[The Cloud]

*Sorry for the ambiguous title, I put it in when I began the post on a whim, and forgot to make it relevant once I was finished.

I have a dilemma, and I'm not entirely sure how to resolve it. I have a course of action which I'm strongly considering taking, but I would like to see what alternative theories or relevant experiences are out there first.

Ok, here's the story. There is this girl I love. I'm a senior and she's a junior in college, and we've been friends since her first semester (over three years). I've liked her for a long time, and at times have considered asking her out, but never really gotten around to it. Recently, however, I've been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship. We would have our on and off periods, not because of fighting but simply because of the natural ebb and flow of things. But we would always end up back together as friends again, which doesn't often happen for me when a friendship ebbs. Also, we have had numerous phone conversations in excess of an hour, and a significant amount over two, which is extremely abnormal for me as I only rarely spend over an hour in conversation with my mother or sister on the phone and never spend longer than thirty minutes with anyone else. We never run out of things to talk about, and she often has an interesting perspective on things that helps me work out and define my own thoughts.

The most important thing, though, is that I love her. I've considered before whether or not I did, but dismissed it because I wasn't sure, and in my opinion if you're not sure it's not love. I just wasn't in a place psychologically where I was sure enough of myself to know what I did and did not believe. Sometimes, for other girls, I would have feelings that I thought might be love. I didn't know, I simply couldn't justify the feelings without saying that's what they were. But recently I've been able to clear up a lot of things in my life that have been bothering me, and this time I have no question or doubt as to what she is to me.

My question is this; what do I do about it? I've considered just naturally allowing things to progress as they will. However, she is a pre-med, and very very wrapped up in studying for mCATs and her other med-school things, which isn't very conducive to her considering anything else in her life. I'd be willing to wait and watch events unfold, but I'm going to be graduating in a few months and don't know how much longer I'm going to be sticking around the area after that. I simply don't like the idea of her absorption in med school potentially being the only thing preventing our relationship from progressing to another level. For those of you that would say that it would already have gone further if it was meant to, I say that I have changed significantly in the last few months. I am much more proactive about meeting new people and getting new experiences. Such being the case, I have also made a point of spending a significantly larger proportion of my time with her, which she has been amenable to excepting that it is disruptive to her studying.

On the other hand, I could tell her. I wouldn't do it before she's done with her mCATs in April just so that I don't throw off her studying, but this is the option that I am leaning most strongly toward. Simply telling her that I love her, as she is, and that I want nothing from her but to consider how she feels towards me. My main argument against this is that I don't want to use it as a lever to pressure her into making a decision. I know that is often how love is used, to manipulate the other party into reciprocating. But I don't think that's what I want. I just want to know whether, if she really thinks about it, she loves me or not. I'll still love her whatever the answer, because I fell in love with her as she was and is, not for some potential future relationship.

Also, a part of me has a more academic interest in the response. I've never told anyone besides my mother that I loved them, and it may be interesting to see what kind of response it incites, whether it's happiness because she's felt the same all along or fear of hurting my feelings because she doesn't feel the same. Anyways, that's my position, and I am interested to see what kind of options and opinions this board can present.