Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela  Maybe the lesson he's here to give you doesn't necessarily include him being born this time. Maybe he is here to guide you in living a life you love, whether he is born or not. |
I have been thinking about your words this entire week, Angela.
(Sorry, this will be a very long post)
Three days ago, my ex called. He said that basically he feels wrong and that we should meet and talk. We met, we talked. He said that he cannot live without me and, although he is not ready for the child, he feels that if he is here, we should give it a shot. He also stated that I am the most important person in his life and he wants to marry me, but at the same time he stated that he will always chase other women to soothe his ego. But he will always return home, he said, and I would be the foundation of it. Since I felt numb and a bit sick, I sort of agreed to see where it takes us.
Needless to say, it did not work. The same night he got drunk and kept drinking for three days in a row. I went to my place on the second day, since I felt extremely sick (apparently I am on the onset of the morning sickness, since I have felt continuously sick for the last 5 days or so). When I got back to him on the next day, he was still drunk, told me how he had been angry at me for leaving and bought a 800$ whore while I was gone last night and scared her to death with his psycho-stuff. He felt really proud about it. Then he left me alone for a few minutes and went to toilet.
I stood there in his kitchen and asked myself: is this the life I want? Is this what I deserve? Is this the life I want to live for 20 years? I remembered myself throwing up the previous night, sitting in my toilet alone and quite helpless and understood that the relationship I and my ex would have would not give me any support, to the contrary, I would be required to continuously "carry" him. And with or without him, there will be noone there for me during this pregnancy. It is bad now (I feel really sick and unable to do much) and it will apparently get worse through the next months. Moreover, I realised, I do not love him anymore. The love I felt for him, the one that was larger than life, uplifting, keeping me warm and tingly whenever I was with him, is gone. No more singing birds in me for him.
I have always lived my life for others. For my parents, then for the people I was in relationship with. I always tried to be the best person, putting needs of other people before my own. For my current ex I was a shining light and caretaker for an entire year. I believed that if I love him enough, if I am happy for him, his wounds will heal, his depression will go away. That I can save him. A significant time of my life has been spent in the mode of "damage control" - fighting for survival: after I left home at 18 without much money or a permanent job, after my first business crashed with significant losses due to a stealing partner. And I asked myself: is this what I want? More damage control? More living for others? Or can I for once choose what is good for ME? Stop caring about, loving, lifting, enabling others and for once love myself? Live a life that I love? My life, not someone elses. And what would constitute the life that I love?
I just turned around, took my clothes and left.
He called me later, threatened with suicide, how he will jump from the bridge, cut his veins. I was surprised at how empty I felt about it. I know his suicidal tendencies, and I know that he only uses them to attract more attention to himself. He is in therapy and on pills for 2 months now due to being diagnosed with clinical depression, but I am really not sure if it is actually working. And he is seeing the best therapist there is in this country... I told him that there is no way our relationship can continue and asked him to never disturb me again.
This same day I also decided I will not keep the baby. It sounds as a terribly selfish thing to do, since the reasons for this decision is extremely selfish. I want children, but I want them when I am in a happy place, in a home I have made for myself, full with love and soothing energy. The whole 26.5 years of my life I have never truly lived for myself, I do not even know what I like, what I love about life, what I want. I want children in a relationship when there is the other person to take care of me, to pat my hair after I throw up, to hold my hand when I go to the doctor, to put me to sleep when I feel sick, to be there for me. I have been strong for too long, always taking responsibilities, always trying to help others, always working late to finish the next project. I want my children to come to a place where there is lots of love and safety ready for them, where they are expected with love and care. Right now I cannot offer my unborn child such a place. Although the logical reasons I stated earlier are still true, the whole larger setting behind them is not right. I don't know how to love myself. How can I love my child then?
And odd thing is, if all of this would not have happened, I would never have asked myself these questions and gotten the answers. I would have probably married my ex, only to discover later what a person he really is. I would have continued to "go with the flow", always trying to be likeable for others, never taking real care of myself, living a half-life.
I know that my baby's soul will go back to where the souls live, alive and intact. I will mourn him for a while and then go out and live how he has taught me to live: with dignity, integrity and love to myself and then others, finding a truly loving relationship and being happy... for the first time in my life.
Although this must have been one of the hardest lessons of my life, it is also one of the most valuable and I am grateful for it.
Thank you, Angela, for your wisdom.
