I set myself a goal of being able to get through the launch of the first podcast with a positive outlook and basically "cope" (do none of the self-sabotaging I've done in the past) early last month.
Yesterday we were able to launch the podcast despite having a load of 11th hour issues with the server suddenly crashing and everything having to be put on a temporary website until it can be sorted, but it was out there.
Then came the fear, and all the things that I realised I hadn't been willing to face. It's very easy to say you're going to do things, and then carry on in your conventional job, always talking about things happening in the future, but never actually allowing them to happen. I realised how safe it was, even without the job and the security, not really having Amnar out there already. I was suddenly exposed and people could see what I'd been making a huge fuss about for so long.
By the evening I felt really low, so low that I thought it would be better just to go to bed. However, my friends and I had planned to go out and celebrate so despite being full of negative thoughts I walked up to the restaurant. They were all really understanding and waited until I was ready before they started to give feedback. "How long do I have to wait for the next installment?" they were asking. Me, having spent a lifetime convinced my writing is rubbish and certain everybody would tell me to go back to analytics, listened while they all told me it was very good, that the production was great, and then amongst themselves argued over what they thought about different characters and their motivations.
We were still out at 2am, which meant that most of today was spent recovering from a hangover. I only drink incredibly rarely, and only vodka, so I took a bit of a hit from being so tired in the run-up to release. It was great though, to come down this morning to messages from people telling me it was really good. I feel like I'm finally "doing it", and that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
I have to say I'm very grateful for the friends I have in my life. They're an incredible support.
