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Originally Posted by Petals  We're only married 1.5 years and it's my wish that we grow together. I want our marriage to be about partnership and sharing. If I have to see him get eaten up by negativity for the rest of our lives without being able to do anything about it, I don't know if I can stay in the marriage. |
Petals,
You're getting ahead of yourself. You only have to get through today. Imagining what may happen years down the road -- well, you're just going to over-estimate it. If your husband is never as sunny as you, it doesn't necessarily spell disaster. Objectively, most of the problem today is how you are reacting, not how he's acting.
Let me ask you this. Is your husband down on you for being positive? Does her make fun of it? (Or maybe a better question is, did he make fun of it before you started riding his case about being negative)?
It might be helpful to start by not making any value judgments about where you husband is at in his head. A pessimist views himself as a realist. He doesn't want to be disappointed, so assumes the worst and then the only surprises are pleasant ones. This is a way of coping that has apparently served him well enough until now -- he couldn't change it overnight if he wanted to. And HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE IT BECAUSE YOU THINK HE SHOULD AND REMIND HIM OF IT ALL THE TIME. On the other hand if YOU live a positive, affirming, gentle, loving life, he will be attracted to that and will be MUCH more likely to change. He'll see that you have something he admires and wants. Your task is not to nag him into being positive, but to model positiveness for him. Besides, doing that will tend to rub off on him -- raise his level of positiveness. That doesn't necessarily cost you anything. Nor does it mean he'll be able to sustain it by himself. But it will make your life together more pleasant while he grows in this area.
There is a fly in the ointment, though. Your husband (from your description, which I'm assuming isn't overblown) sounds like he hasn't figured out that life will not conform to his expectations. He hasn't accepted that he needs to figure out what is, and adjust HIMSELF accordingly. Thus he's constantly ticked off when life doesn't go as he thinks it SHOULD. He doesn't realize that it just "is what it is" and when things go good or bad, that's just information that he can use to be better adjusted and not ram his head into brick walls.
This rejection of "what is" can result in anger problems, which may or may not be an insurmountable future problem where he'd take it out on you. But let me tell you something. I was once that guy, and my late wife was once you, and my wife's tendency was to take this sort of "existential anger" directed at the universe or god or the fates, as something personally directed at her. It wasn't as towering as she thought it was. I would not (and never did) raise a finger to her, nor even take it out on her. I wasn't fun to listen to, but it was MY problem, not hers. So .... the take-away for you is, don't make his anger your problem. Let it be his. Don't make fun of it or belittle it either.
Don't engage his anger unless he directs it at you, out of the sheer need to have a throat -- any throat -- to choke. That is dangerous, and I think you need to draw a line in the sand there. And the earlier the better.
You speak of the need to be positive. I don't think you're being terribly positive about this. You're not modeling positivity to him in a way that would make it attractive. You're trying to change him, which is another way of saying you're being negative about him. Positivity is not something you apply selectively ... practice what you preach. Nothing pours cold water on a marriage more from a guy's perspective than his woman trying to change him. It's a rejection. Don't do it.
One last point for what it's worth -- you say you've been married 1.5 years. That may well mean that in recent months you've been emerging from the "infatuation" phase of the relationship where you're content just to breathe the same air as him and can't see his faults, or perceive them as endearing qualities. This is the point in a marriage where that partner's "shadow" emerges and spoils all the fantasyland fun. It looks to me like your husband's shadow is his anger brought about by rejecting what is, and his general pessimism.
So here's a thought. Every weakness is also a strength, and every strength a weakness. You fell in love with the guy and married him, so you must have admired something about him. For example, if you're a dreamy type, you may have admired his pessimism as pragmatism / realism / strength (just an example). Ask yourself what the POSITIVE side of these attitudes are and how they make him what he is (and who you love). This might help you to cope better, and to be more kind, forbearing and nuanced in helping him in his struggles, and to keep it all in perspective.
Best of luck,
--Bob