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Originally Posted by Parthon  Hi Jamie.
That's a pickle of a situation you and your sister are in. It's hard to imagine what that would be like.
What Erin said is spot on, I just would like to reemphasise it in another way.
Firstly: You can't do anything to help her. Nothing at all. Zero, zip, nada, nothing. By that I mean anything you DO just helps her stay exactly where she is. Any progress in her life will also be slowly undone because in the long term she's still the same person. The only way you can improve her life is to get her to see her life in a new way. |
Yep, I can see where you're coming from, and I completely agree with you (and everyone else).
I'm not seeking to solve her problems for her, not that kind of DO-ing, just the kind where, I (we) build a connection, and a place of trust between us, where she feels she can come and talk to me about things. Right now, she doesn't feel that way. So when I say "what can I DO", I guess, it's more in terms of building a trusting and open relationship, so she completely knows that people are on her side, and want the best for her, and will help her to help herself in her own way, pace, and time. To find her own clarity, strength and power, which is what I want for her.
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Originally Posted by Parthon For that you will need to use passive empathic listening as Erin suggested. Find out why she feels she's in her position. Find out why she's going out with such a terrible partner, from your point of view. There's a good chance that she sees him as the greatest person she can be with now, or that she's trapped and can't get out. Just get into her world and find out what's really going on for her. Don't offer any suggestions, help, advice, opinions or assistance unless she directly and specifically asks for it. Just give your empathy, compassion and listening. Support her and help her open up, and guide her towards the truth. She needs to discover it for herself. Your job will be to lead her there, not tell her directly. Frankly it's because you don't know the truth either, and you don't know her personal truths. It's only through our own discovery that we each have a chance of finding the truth. When she sees her own truth for herself, she will know what to do and will ask for help if needed. |
With regards to her partner; trouble has been brewing for years, she admits herself that he's a big problem, and a bad influence in her life, that she wants rid, and it's only for her daughters sake, and for the money he brings in, that she keeps him around. He actually drinks a long, and while not overly violent, I think he's pretty much emotionally and mentally abusive, and people like that, are in my opinion, like a slow poison.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. I'm sure he's an ok guy, somewhere, deep down inside, he's just in a bit of a mess; I've never had a decent honest conversation with him, he's always putting on an (big-man) act, all the while, I guess he's in pain, and feeling insecure within himself.
I'm aware that I don't know the complete truth, that I just see things through my own eyes, and there is a danger of my grafting my own solutions in to her. I agree, that is likely to only cause more resistance, and won't foster a more open and trusting connection between us.
It's hard for me, cos (I think) I see things in a very pragmatic, and clear-cut way, but my sis is very emotional, and doesn't seem to consider the effect of all the influnences she allows in to her life, in the now, and the effect those influnences will have, further down the road.
I'm a bit distressed and concerned at the moment, and it's a bit tiring; so am not sure how much sense I make, but thanks once again for all your replies, I'll be sure to read them all again, when I've settled down a bit, and can digest a bit better.
Jamie.
