To be completely honest, I don't trust my feelings at all at this moment.
When I first understood that the baby is on his way, I was very confused, but at the same time I was very happy. On that instant I decided that I want the baby and that I would do everything to have it.
Then real life kicked in: the denial from my ex.. I so hoped that his decision would be different, the whole experience with him put me in a lot of pain. He was all like "you don't know how tough it is to raise a child.. you're living in a dream world.. you don't know what you're doing.. I don't want to be any part of this.."
My mother thinks as well that I am not ready for this. She pointed out all the blurry aspects of my life I mentioned in previous post.
Perhaps I just want this baby as a one last attempt to fix my relationship with my ex? Then again, no, no way. But perhaps I want to prove him that I am this so-much-better-person-than-he-is? Point is, I am still emotionally connected to this situation and thus I can't evaluate it neutrally.
Would I feel guilty for the rest of my life because of killing an innocent being who has chosen me to be his mother? Would I be a horrible person if I did not felt that way?
I want this baby, but I am so very very afraid.