[CPUNeck]

I think there is another element too to why you're thinking this way about your ex. It may also have to do with strong association we form in our younger days.

Yikes, somebody has been shadowing my emotions. In fact I have felt those feelings exactly. Unfortunately the way I'm wired, when there is a beginning, there must be an end, so I imagine the "what ifs" to fruition. I won't even try and defend that, since it's all make believe, in MY minds eye... well it's perfect of course ! Just not real . So perhaps I should quit joking about my mid-life crisis, and start figuring out how to manage it.

So you've been being carrying around "I'm not enough" (or rather, that belief has been carrying you!) ever since. Along comes your hs sweetheart who makes you feel like "enough", but still "I'm not enough" nags at you a little, not really even consciously. You want to prove that you're not "not enough" and avoid being discovered as "not enough" (again, subconsciously); the ex-girlfriend represents the big way to do both.

That's good, I had to read it twice (rare) to get it. It's exciting to see some of the shiny insight people on this board posses. Awesome resource.

So you "found her recently." What does that mean? Did you go looking for her?

Yep, I'm pretty good at sleuthing, she was no problem to find. Actually, I've known where she's been for the past ~3-4yrs, but never contacted her.

If you were to hook up with her, or reject her sexually, would that mean that you are enough now?

I'm quite certain I could not reject her, so I'll have to keep my distance for now or I'll probably hit rock bottom and start digging . I haven't seen her, only E-mail and phone. The pics she sent me are like 3 yrs old, so who knows what she looks like now. She could look like a used up rhino, and that certainly would burst my bubble, sending me back to reality