Thank you all for your comments.
I think I am looking for meaning from an external source. Most of your comments have correctly pointed out that I have not really found my motivation. I know I could choose a belief system or create my own motivations, but it doesn't seem that satisfying right now. I want to know, not believe. But of course all we can ever "know" is but one sliver of perception...
What I want to know is what difference to the universe my giving up my fear and becoming more loving makes. Yes, it is more satisfying to me personally, and I can make others more happy. I can "make a difference", even a huge one, in the lives of many people in my generation and maybe even for many generations to come. But again, all I gain is my personal satisfaction and perhaps through me others can reach their own personal satisfactions and happinesses, i.e. we can all satisfy our selfish desires. I don't believe there is any absolute "good" or "evil" to the universe (indeed, there are "good" side effects to "bad" ideas and "bad" side effects to "good" ideas). It just is. Millenia from now the universe will just be, regardless of the "good" or "bad" actions I did or not take in this time and place.
I think maybe the answer lies for me in realizing that yes, my life, maybe all life on my planet doesn't really affect the long long-term existense of the very large-scale, the universe, but those time and size scales do not really apply to me. If I focus on the scale of me in this time as an individual, my actions do become more meaningful.
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