This is going to sound very esoteric; for that I'm sorry. What helped me most in forgiveness was to find the place where we are all one. In that place, your girlfriend and you, your parents and you, God and you, are one. There is nothing lacking in that oneness; and you have not lost anything or anyone.
In a way it was a blessing that someone I loved so very deeply left me. Because I had to find the completion of myself elsewhere. She cannot complete you, and that drive for you to find completion in the relationship is probably what drove her away. That was the story in my case. Had I been whole and complete, my true love would be with me in form today, instead of gone from my human experience.
While my human life will always be without this love, I have found more love in my heart than I ever experienced with my lover. When I was in relationship, I was afraid all of the time. Afraid of not being good enough; afraid of being left and abandoned. So what happened, I was not good enough, and I was left and abandoned.
I had to lose that relationship to find a new a deeper relationship with myself, with my love. The love is real, and it is eternal.
Gary Renard's
The Disappearance of the Universe and
ACIM helped me tremendously. As for the drugs, well, when I was terrified, and waking up in a cold sweat, and hardly sleeping, I needed to get out of that mind rerun of anxious, fearful thinking. It took a couple of months of one valium each night to get me sleeping again. It took a total commitment to begin showing up in my life differently; to act as if I were whole and complete, and not needy, as had I felt for such a long time.
I am so thankful for this experience. More and more, I find that I am complete within myself, and the rest of it is as Eckert Tolle would say, just the pain body kicking in. His books are helpful as well; especially this last one, which speaks of the pain body, and how to be present with it until it passes, and stops thinking such negative thoughts through your mind.
I cannot say it is an easy lesson to learn; it was very difficult for me. Yet the pain for me was a wake-up call which I could not ignore. I spoke to my sister recently; we experienced terrible trauma in our youth. I said to her, you know for the first time in decades,
I feel like myself! She said that it seemed to her that for the first time in decades I am showing up like myself. Not that I was ever not here; but there was a part of me, I am convinced, that has been in a disassociative state for a long time. This experience brought that part of me into my concious awareness, and made me deal with it; find a new sense of me.
To meet me, you would not know about these struggles. I have a professional career, and work with many wonderful people. I must say, that as my heart has come open, I find myself soooo much more compassionate; not so focused on being smart and right (I am very smart, and often right), but more on showing up in my life with compassion and support for those around me. It has softened me, it has made me feel more whole.
Forgiveness is possible, but it isn't easy at all. I work on forgiveness every day. I work on being in this moment, where no one can hurt me unless I choose to feel hurt, and where life can truly be found and enjoyed. Life is not found in the past; but when you are caught up in the hurts of the past, you are not capable of being fully present in the here and now to life, to love, to joy, to yourself. It is in the here and now that you will find forgiveness if you look for it and work at it. It is in there here and now that you will find your heart.
All my blessings, Belle
