Well, initially I meant with it was false friends, or enemies. Superficial friends without deep meanings seem to be still friends just not as close. When they are or aren't there doesn't mean to be a different. What I'm talking about are the damaging kind of friendships. Those you believe in, invest a lot of energy, time effort into and then get used, manipulated and taken advantage of. This is the type thats weighing on me. But learning to deal with both can apply, if not to my current situation but to others that read this as well and in the near future.
I'm hesitant to give details, as I've been very open in the past and those around me have been voicing that is a negative trait to have. I don't like secrets, and try to bring things out into the open. trying to get to the truth of the matter. Yet, it only aggravates those that don't share the same sentiments.
I don't believe in holding back, because, once it was someone close to me that got in my face, forcing me to grow and see the truth. To get to the truth is what I care about and I don't believe I'm getting the truth. It feels like I'm getting half truths, and feel like I'm being moved like a chess piece sometimes. I feel like they care but only saying just enough to where they don't put themselves at risk. In order to protect something. Either my image of them, the friendship or something.
I've done a lot, and I've reasons to care and want their friendship, yet at both times I've reasons to doubt. Life is too short to really be like this, and I keep trying to find a way to be "OK" or to learn from this and grow and find unconditional love and still be in their lives yet. I don't feel like I'm being treated the way I treat them.
My main focus in anything is "How can I serve?". Although lately the aspect of what I want and need is creeping up and making me feel selfish.
Apologies if this is back and fourth, I'm a little groggy. This is weighing a lot on my mind. In more ways than just one person. Its snowballed into other areas of my life as well.  |