Big hugs to you. I know how it feels to work so incredibly hard on one's self, on having a good life, on being a good person and still have it all be unfulfilling, meaningless, and have nothing seem to work out. There was a time when I imagined laying myself down in a river and sinking simply because all the pain and suffering inside of me was too exhausting.
What helped me:
1. Therapy. This was a really big help. Important is being happy with the therapist.
2. Paraliminals. The "You Deserve It" (this one most of all), "New History Generator", "Belief" have been very helpful for me. If I could give one gift to each person I meet it would be the "You Deserve It" Paraliminal. Buy it!
3. Throwing in the Towel. I stubbornly threw away my career and studies after 8 years because I didn't feel good about them. This relieved a lot of pressure. After a few months I started to feel a bit better. I feel better each day while working on myself and do almost nothing I don't want.
4. The "Highly Sensitive People" books by Elaine Aron and "Making Work Work for Highly Sensitive People" have also been extremely enlightening.
5. Realizing that taking my physical life won't mean that my suffering is over. Since anything we don't deal with in this life follows us into the next, it is worth sticking it out. That doesn't mean you can't get yourself the help and support you need.
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