[The Truth Seeker]

To anyone out there,

I have problems studying. I'm in college. I never can discipline myself to study. Usually I play computer games and watch Yu-Gi-Oh on youtube. I think part of the reason is because of the bitterness I feel when I study. You see, in my middle school years I moved from my mom's house to my aunt's house. Little did I know at that time the negative impact she would have on me.

A couple of weeks after I moved in, my cousin bought homeschooling books from the local bookstore. I read them, and after that I showed them to her (my aunt). However, she did not read them. I left them in her room, but she still didn't read them. So, I then I thought that if she didn't read them, then that means she doesn't do her own reseach into issues. And if that is the case, she must be a very stupid woman. So, from then on I avoided her. Even to this day I still continue to avoid her.

Even more importantly, that was the beginning of the bitterness that engulfed me for the rest of my middle and high school career. When I started avoiding her, she started going ballistic on me and saying if she were my mother she would have beaten me with a stick. Also, because of the homeschooling thing I decided not to listen to anything she said. This added to my aunt's anger. So I think we both felt bitter towards each other. These events led to the estranged relationship we have today. As an example of what other things she said, when we were packing for college she told me that I was a bad boy. As I reflect on these events it was either the main cause or a main cause of the depression and sadness that engulfed me over my middle and high school years.

In the fall of last year, I had my first semester in college and moved into the dorms. Unfortunately, I didn't do too well. I slacked off and failed 2/3 classed and got a C in the third. I told my aunt, and she totally blasted mean things at me. Specifically, she told me that if she were my mother, she would have beaten me with a stick. In spite of her anger, she gave me another chance and let me enroll in college under academic probation. In January, I dissused the situation with my friends and the bitterness that I still inherited. They told me to talk to the pastor of the local church that we all went to. I did, and he told me to talk to my aunt about the homeschooling thing. Also, he said to appoligize for anything I've done to hurt her over the years. I called my aunt and discussed all these things with her. She said that all this, including the homeschooling thing, was OK. She was implying that we move on.

However, it seems I can't. From last week I kept track of how I spent my time. At the end of the week, (yesterday, which means I started one Wednesday ago) I figured out that part of the time management problem is this bitterness problem. I used to think that the homeschooling event was the cause of all the bitterness. I've dealt with the homeschooling event. I think the next bitterness root that I have to face is all the verbally abusive comments from my aunt that have piled up over the years. Unless I take this bitterness root out, I will never be able to study and I might as well drop out of college. I think on these comments all the time when I study. It seems I can't get them out of my head. Remembering these comments makes me sad and irritable. These two emotions are certainly not a good combination for studying. I want to emphasize one point. It is not that I have no motivation or ability to study. I want to succeed. It is just that I have to deal with core personal problems such as this before I can succeed. So please give me feedback on this blog.


Sincerely,
The Truth Seeker