[intuition]

From reading your situation, you do beat yourself up alot, this could be caused by negative forces trying to rob you of our self worth, dont give in to these horrible feelings, I know what it is like to not be able to get happy even with no apparent reason. Search within yourself , deep down, ask yourself questions and request the Divine Laws to show you answers.

Let me ask this, Do you feel empty inside as if you are missing a critical element within yourself?

BTW I admire your honesty to even recognize what so many are oblivious to, It sounds to me that your mind is battling the old "Demons", don't worry, Nobody on this forum or planet has never encountered demons before, demons being negative feelings and challenging times, Any person that claims this doesn't apply to them would be Lying to themselves!