I've not brought this up directly, partly because it's easy to come of as holier-than-though and I'm not sure how to approach it, and partly because this is something I have only formulated for myself recently.
We've touched on the second issue when I've felt treated unfairly, and confronted her with it. In those cases she does see my point of view, but is fundamentally defensive, and does (IMO) not fully accept responsibility for the hurt she has caused. In other words, her response is "I'm sorry that I took it out on you, it was not your fault, but that is just how I react in those situations".
(It is also her opinion that in those situations I should tell her that's she's being unreasonable and to go sit in a corner until she's cooled off (and I have to tell her this is in a way that gets through her agitation at the time, i.e. harshly). But that idea does not fly well with me, because it seems totally unfair and one-sided.)
In a more general sense, it's not my impression that she is shy of personal growth. In some areas of our relationships there is a surprising amount of openness and learning, and she is well-rounded as a person and very intelligent.
But it seems that she does just not (yet?) realize just how much control she has over her self and her life. Either that or she does not accept the implied responsibility?
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