[ralphb]

Dear Social & Relationships,

I am a first time poster, but long time reader. I have been very impressed by the quality & frankness of the the advice given in this forum, so I thought I would ask for your opinions on a situation in my relationship that I am not 100% happy with.

My girlfriend and I have known each other for 12 years, decided to have a go at a romantic relationship about a year ago. We're both 27. The relationship is great overall, and there is a tremendous amount of mutual love and respect.

There has been a lot of talk in this forum about taking 100% responsibility. It seems that my girlfriend is not entirely aware of the advantages of this approach to life, but I am (to some extent), and that worries me a bit.

There are two specific symptoms of this that concern me.

1) She puts the blame for unwanted events on external causes, primarily other people (family, coworkers, strangers, ..) As an example of this, just today she left her bike unlocked outside a store. When she got back after a couple of minutes, somebody had locked the bike and thrown away the key. This pisses her off to no end -- at the person who did it, instead of herself! (at least that is how she expresses it).

This concerns me because:
a) Why did she leave her bike unlocked in the first place?
b) When you do that, you should in my opinion accept that it might not be there when you get back, and that is your own responsibility.
c) My feeling would have been gratitude: Yes, that was stupid of me and I learned my lesson, but thank god the bike was still there.
d) Additionally, I would have felt even more gratitude: Phew, I have a SPARE KEY! I don't have to replace the lock, and I can use the bike again promptly, as soon as I have walked home and back to the store with the spare key. Small price to pay for such an indiscretion.

(This was just an example, she is not careless in general)

2) She takes things very personal when they don't go her way. Sometimes she feels like the world conspires against her, and this feeling sometimes takes hours to subside. As an example of this, she is a very bad loser in board games (which we play a fair amount of). Losing always affects her, sometimes quite a lot (especially if someone played aggressively against her, to win the game). As a couple we have had two unconstructive fights, both occurring shortly after her losing a board game where I have played aggressively.

Although this was a very specific example, it also extends to other situations, e.g. difficult/troublesome DIY'ing, annoying coworkers and just bad days in general -- they knock her off her feet.

This concerns me because:

a) I am more resilient to negative external events, and I sometimes find her behaviour bordering on ridiculous from my point of view.
b) She has difficulty with separating the negative feelings in such situations from her positive feelings towards me. Her negativeness bleeds over into her feelings and behaviour towards me. This I find completely unacceptable, and have a hard time dealing with when it happens, especially because I cannot empathize with it at all.

I realize I am not perfect. But I realize that I can take 100% responsibility for myself, and I am proactively working to change and grow. It seems that my girlfriends does not share this worldview entirely.

Although the examples I have given are fairly narrow, I am worried that this trend of not taking responsibility for situations extends to not taking responsibility for her own life and happiness. And that gives me doubts about the potential of this relationship, in the 3 - 5 - 10 year range.

Any opinions/advice would be most welcome.