Quote:
Originally Posted by Freelancer  Yesterday, while I was walking towards the train, I looked around me at the faces going in the same direction. For most of the day I’ve been reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, then at that moment while walking a realization struck me. These people that are walking with me in the same direction are not truly happy. They are lacking in self esteem, I could see it on there sagging faces. They where looking like the end of the world is near and that’s alright with them. There shoulders lumped forward with a invisible weight placed on top of them. This is what I would expect in slaves, not free men of the western world. This is also when inspiration for this speech hit me with the proverbial lightning bolt. |
That's great! Much improved, and I like the story because it's personal. However, I would take the last line off, it's a clear lie, and probably not believable. Furthermore, the line is not needed to make your intro effective.
For your conclusion, if you can somehow refer to what your introduction said in some fashion, that tends to add impact. Not needed, but it's neat when speakers do that and I enjoy doing it myself when I can find a way to do it.