First, what project/manual are you working on?
1)In general we start a toastmaster speech in our club with:
"Fellow Toastmasters, dear Guests"
But I don't know how you do it in your club.
Quote:
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First I’d like to say that you will most likely disagree with a lot that I’ll be talking about right now. That’s ok, I’m not asking you to agree only to consider my points and make a decision based on your own consciousness and reasoning.
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2) Don't open a speech like that. Just cut that part out. Take responsibilty for bringing the message to your audience. Don't say them: You won't agree with me either way, but at least listen to me.
A example or a good quote (
Find the famous quotes you need, ThinkExist.com Quotations. is a good source) might give your speech a strong start.
Be bold.
Quote:
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It’s a plague right now and the cure is simple yet difficult to follow. Personally I’ve had many instances where I break my own rules and in turn suffer.
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3) Your speech lacks examples or mental images. Describe one of those instances. That creates rapport. You might use that story to start your speech.
Quote:
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Lets be the ones who assume responsibility and walk with a head held up high.
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4) Shorter and more strong (because more direct): Assume responsibilty. Walk with
your (you want to reach them!) head up high.
Quote:
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Proud of our abilities. Proud of our minds. Proud of living on this beautifull planet.
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I think it would be stronger when you want to close your speech that way to use the word
proud also in the middle of your speech.