Dear Alison -- God loves you. The dark night of the soul you described sounds biochemical. If they help you, I humbly suggest you stay on your meds (that said, please do what you believe is right).
That waking up, waking up, waking up. I was doing that after I had a severe auto accident in 2007, and I had to go on anti-anziety drugs for a month or two (valium, which isn't as addictive as zanex), there was no chance of an authentic spiritual experience or transformation when I was in that state.
God will not make you anxious; God loves you as you are, perfectly, and unreservedly. You need a chance to come down to earth and enjoy the here and now; and if you are waking up over and over again, and unable to gain rest from your sleep, you cannot function properly, nevermind heal from whatever has triggered you to be so upset.
God can only be found in the here and now. When I could not sleep, I couldn't manage to hear that
still small voice of love and care. Pure and simple, I couldn't function.
What I did do was set my intention for healing, and ask God for help. And God helped me.
That list of 12 signs, well, some of that is the ego giving one problems because the ego doesn't want you to find God. If you find the Love of God in your heart, you won't need an ego. The ego knows that and can get particularly vicious with you if it thinks you are making spiritual progress. The thing is, when you fight your ego, you only lose. Your ego is part of your experience in this manifestation of reality. The only way to deal with your ego is to love it. It is like a child that wants to be in control, and it is trying to control your experience by setting all of these hurdles for you to cross so that you can be spiritual. The ego says you need to do such and such to be spiritual, but I don't believe it.
Heck, you are a spiritual being by nature. Nothing can ever change that. God loves you as you are, and will never leave you or forsake you.
Don't forsake yourself. If the meds help you feel better, and operate effectively in this manifestation, consider the option of taking them.
Here is an easy way to know if it is your ego speaking to you, or God. If you feel peace, a deep peace that cannot be disturbed, the guidance comes from God or the Holy Spirit. If not, the ego is telling you what to do, and you are listening.
I'm worried about you. Please take care of yourself; mother yourself. You need care now, not to worry about how spiritual you are or are not. That is judgment. The ego is great with judgment; while God loves you unreservedly, pure and simple. Love yourself, don't judge yourself. Self-care, self-tending, these can be your watchwords. Loving yourself is critically important; God loves you -- there are no tests to pass to receive God's love, you are worthy of God's love and your own love and care. Being kind to yourself, and gentle is critically important right now.
If you went to Mother Theresa right now, she would love you and care for you. Give that same care to yourself that she would if she were here.
These are just my thoughts -- please follow your heart.
I'm keeping you in my prayers. Blessings from Belle
