[Michelle]

Normally I don't like long posts, but today is different.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to make music. The instrument that chose me was the voice. I'm 29 now and the deep need and longing to sing has guided every step of my life for around 20 years.

As a teen I sang whenever I could - in choirs, solo and in lessons. At the age of 20 I was accepted to study with a master professor in the field of singing, and remained her student til October of 2007 - almost 8 years.

The summer of 2007 brought with it two of my most important professional engagements to date. Upon returning to Switzerland and school after those engagements, I found myself unable to sing. I was blocked. Something inside me rebelled and was so strong it wouldn't allow one note to escape from my throat. I found myself having to quit my studies just four months before my master's degree.

Since quitting school, I've been making a conscious effort to relax. I've laid around just watching TV. For the first time I could go out for a walk with no feeling of pressure, deadlines or performance anxiety. I let myself be supported and cared for by my understanding fiance. I did almost nothing I didn't want to do. I felt compelled to go raw with Steve (made it to day 11), planned a lovely housewarming party, went to a luxurious spa in the middle of the Alps, and did a lot of soul searching. I've pretty much enjoyed every moment of my laziness. It felt right even if I felt impatient and slightly guilty for it at times.

Most of all though, I've been waiting. Waiting to feel some direction within. Waiting to feel if quitting my studies meant quitting singing altogether and starting something new, or if it meant just regrouping. Lately I've recognized that while I do like (or even love) to sing, I have no idea why I should. Why should I do something at all when laying around in my cushy apartment, eating good food and being supported is so nice? Why should I subject myself to the suffering involved in being an introverted personality in the limelight? My boyfriend - who makes enough money for both of us - obviously likes having me around and my desire to contribute financially is far weaker than my desire to just be comfortable, pampered and safe.

Today, months after my decision to walk away from my Master's degree, my school and my dear professor, I got my answer.

It came rather unspectacularly, I'm afraid. I went out shopping this morning and came home around one this afternoon. I sat down on my couch and again rose the question in me "Why should I sing?". Why should I further put myself through the struggle and suffering it takes to feel and find truth in art? Why should I expose myself to criticism, misunderstanding, and envy? Why should I put myself out there in my most vulnerable form? What is in it for me? And why should I work toward something at all when it is so nice to just "be"?

And then the answer came to me: "because it nourishes my soul". Singing nourishes my soul.

I'm sure that answer seems rather stupid and obvious to many of you. But I cried for a good half an hour after remembering that. It wasn't just an intellectual realization - I became conscious of something. It is the pure, honest, true motivation I've been searching for.

In all my years of study, artistry and being a "good girl" to everyone around me, I forgot why I love to sing. In the end, I only felt I was doing it to impress, stay out of trouble, because I have a nice voice, because others expect me to. That is what rebelled in me. None of those reasons were enough for me anymore. In fact, they disgusted me. So I stopped singing, and today I got my reward for taking a time out: I remembered why I love to sing. I got my motivation back. I got my love back and it is beautiful.

I don't know yet what the fruit of that realization will be, but I am sure it will be delicious.