[Chill of Eons]

ProjectX,

We have some similarities. For one, I've been using videogames as an escape for years, like, since I got my NES at age eight, and I regret it considerably. I feel guilty and disappointed in myself every time I turn one on, even though thankfully these days I usually don't end up playing them very long.

I've never had a girlfriend either (and I'm 26, curse my lack of resolve), and I get very uncomfortable (sad is more like it) seeing other people in relationships, even in movies! I've always been afraid that even if I did "get" one, it wouldn't last because she'd soon become fed up with my fear-based way of living, being all always thinking and brooding and trying to figure out what to do while actually doing very little. I don't know for certain that I'd keep being that way once I was in a relationship, you'd think I'd be more motivated to be courageous, but I suppose I just never considered it worth taking the risk to find out. Well that's too bad, because it IS worth the risk (notice how I'm lecturing myself). Regardless of the outcome, it would undeniably be a valuable life experience. While it's true that many a boy shreds himself up after being dismissed by the female he was involved with, there are things one can do to prepare for dealing with it, like making yourself learn all kinds of crap in order to have more to talk about and to discover more potential interests. I suppose.

I kinda dropped out of high school after 10th grade. More than anything, it was due to my videogame addiction and my social anxiety (the latter of which I still have, and by my count it's just as bad as it ever was). That, plus I had this friend who was just such a goof, and always made me laugh to hell, and was of course a Nintendo loyalist like me (hawhaw). So throughout 10th grade, in the classes we had together we just drew funny stuff and wrote violent Winnie the Pooh stories in notebooks and stifled our guffaws, caring none too much about our grades, neither of us having any real career goals (except for kinda wanting to be game designers, for Nintendo systems only).

And "after" highschool, that is dropping out, I too did nothing for two years. But damned if I was happy because of it. At some point, me mum heard about this highschool completion program at the local community college. Well, enough about all that.

Gah, this is so hard for me. I feel like I don't really know what to say. It's like my brain is congested somehow, and I have a lot of ideas of what to say but I have a very hard time deciding what I do and don't want to share. If I just keep typing, I think it'll most likely end up largely fluff and not much substance. I feel like I need to say everything I have to say, ever, to sum up my entire brain as it were, in one post, which is beyond ridiculous. My thinking has forever been based on such polarities, all or nothing, and it's supremely frustrating because it causes paralysis of the will for me. That's why I almost never post on any forums, I just don't know how to share my views, and even have difficulty deciding whether they're worth sharing. By posting on this forum, I'm trying to overcome that problem.

I blame myself a lot. I realize that my situation is really due to my own choices, but that does little or nothing for my courage, and I pile guilt on myself for refusing to act in spite of the fear. I don't know for absolute 100% what I want, so I use that as an excuse to spend my time thinking and awfulizing. Sure I take small steps forward now and then, and when the urgency is high enough, but I just haven't ever gone far enough to get used to plowing ahead. I can change that right now if I want to bad enough. I'm hoping that participation in this forum will help me develop greater determination, I'm sure it has for many others.

People always tell me I'm too hard on myself, but my behavior doesn't strike me as such, since I'm really not, by my definition, pushing myself to take action. I don't spend even 10 minutes a day looking myself in the mirror and saying, "This is what I have to do, and I'm going to do it now." I don't even consider that a hard thing to do, yet I don't find myself doing it. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I always have. So how does one feel sorry for AND be overly hard on themselves? I guess it would have to be alternately, because I can't imagine both at the same time.

Somehow I need to just stop dwelling on the negative; I suspect that one reason I keep doing it is that I think I'll be denying reality if I don't. But I'm sure everyone is aware of that sentiment, whether in themselves or in others.

Well, I don't know if anyone will even read this post since the thread is six months old, so I should probably conclude at this point. ProjX, I hate to tell you this, just as I hate being told it, but no one but you can overcome your problems. But the good news is that you CAN. Maybe it will be as hard as you think it will be, maybe it won't. It will probably take a long time. But one thing's for sure, it will be worth it. You will be astounded when you look back on what life was like during your high school years as well as right now. Keep that in your mind at all times. Promise yourself to make that your priority, and do everything it takes to achieve this goal. Enjoy every step, take pride in the smallest gains, you brought them about, and don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by looking at the whole process, it's just a way of inviting the temptation to stop trying for just a while. This is as much me talking to myself as to you, and I'm sure you've heard it all before. Ok, time for me to go to bed.