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yossarian · 01-28-2008, 03:17 PM

Tough situation

When these kinds of things happen to me I try to approach it using the "Non-violent Communication" method.

Nonviolent Communication: Effective Interpersonal Relationship Skills and Conflict Resolution Training

It's not "easy" but it works. The idea is to courageously express your objective observation, your feelings, your needs, and then to make a true request. It's not a form of manipulation it's just a way that you can accurately communicate with someone adversarial, hopefully without triggering their defense mechanisms so they don't feel attacked. It gives the other person an opportunity to understand you, whereas before they might have just been acting out of pure habit.

The 4 parts when you're expressing your own needs, are Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.

"When you tell me many times to phone this man(O), I feel depressed and hurt (F) because I need to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. (N) Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and instead allow me to do handle this issue in my way? (R)"

You would of course change that so it's more accurate to your own self.. each step needs to be free from implying that your feelings are his fault. If you imply that the way you feel is his fault, this triggers his defense mechanism and is not really true anyway. Your brother behaves the way he behaves, but you ultimately are in control of your own emotions and body.

I recommend buying the book - just called "Non-Violent Communication." It has really helped me a lot with getting across to people who seemed hopelessly dense and combative before.

The (O)bservation part needs to be specific and objective. You say specifically what behavior you're referring to and you don't editorialize or use judging or subjective language.

The (F)eeling part needs to be a true feeling. Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, afraid, anxious, hurt, resentful. These are all real feelings.

Abused, bullied, patronized, pressured, used, threatened, ignored, boxed-in. These are NOT feelings - they are interpretations of the event. Using them will trigger defense mechanisms because there is an implicit judgment of the other party in them. So DON'T use these words.

The (N)eeds part is where you say what aspect of your being is not being fulfilled. Here again we need to be very specific. "I need to feel like I can manage this Visa issue in my own way."

The (R)equest part is where you ask the other party, in a true request, not a demand, if they will fulfill your need. You are making yourself vulnerable to rejection, and this is the courageous step forward into the unknown that we take so that we can break the cycle of combativeness.

Your request must be a specific thing that the person can specifically act upon. Not something vague like, "Will you please back off and let me control my life?" It has to be more specific - "Will you please let me handle this whole Visa issue in my own way?"

Your brother may refuse. So be it. You may feel that he did not understand what you said clearly, and took it the wrong way. This is likely since you're dealing with someone you've known for a long time. He will tend to assume you've responding in a way that you maybe have classically responded in, and not realize you are responding in a new way.

In this case, where he did not understand the precise nature of your statement, you simply continue using the method but this time (R)equest him to listen to your statement again "because I may not have been clear the first time." No blame is being placed on him. "Will you please echo back to me what you thought I just said, so that I can be sure I expressed myself properly?"

If you're able to stay calm and keep making compassionate, non-violent, non-judging, non-blaming requests, eventually your brother may start to understand you.

I highly recommend buying the book. It has helped me a lot.

(O)bservation
(F)eeling
(N)eed
(R)equest

Delivered in a non-judgmental way, a way that doesn't imply your problems are his fault, and delivered in an honest and vulnerable way so that he can feel you are being sincere.

Acting out this method can be extremely terrifying, since you're stepping into the unknown. It is for me, especially with family and people I've known for a long time, because there are so many habits of interaction built up. But if I keep behaving in the old way, I keep getting the old results. I've found that opening myself up this way is always worth it in the end even if I don't get what I wanted. I'm not opening myself up to manipulate or control or to get a specific outcome, I'm just doing it to express myself truly so that the other person can understand me. It's up to the other person if he wants to help me or not. We must learn to accept all reactions whether they are negative or positive, and not let this stop us from genuinely expressing our needs.

Bliss Sage: "When you tell me many times to phone this man, I feel depressed and hurt because I am needing to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and allow me to do handle this issue in my own way?"
Brother: "You're just being stupid, this is how you have to do it if you want get it done, if you don't do this you're never gonna get it. It will take too long. Yada yada"
Bliss Sage: "I don't think I expressed myself clearly... would you please echo back to me what you thought I said so I can see if I said it properly?"
Brother: "You said you don't want to phone him"
Bliss Sage: "I appreciate you helping me clarify myself. That's not what I meant to say. What I meant to say is that when you've told me over and over to phone this man, I feel depressed and hurt because I am needing to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and allow me to handle this issue in my own way whatever it may be?"
Brother: "Fine. If you have to do it your stupid way, then do it. But you're not gonna get it in time and I'm gonna be put out because having you here is a real burden."
Bliss Sage: "Thanks for letting me handle this. It's important to me."

Now you can end the conversation or you can try to empathize with him with his burden issue. The book goes into detail on how you can empathize non-violently as well as how you can make requests. But it sounds like in your specific case the request is the big part. Just remember that listening and empathizing goes a long way in getting him to understand you. Remember that he also has needs and feelings, even if he hides them and represses them behind violent words and actions. Try to find compassion for him, and try to lead by example. If he can see you behave in a compassionate and precise way towards him, maybe he'll realize that he could also behave that way for a more harmonious interaction.

01-28-2008, 03:17 PM	#4 (permalink)
yossarian Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 851	Tough situation When these kinds of things happen to me I try to approach it using the "Non-violent Communication" method. Nonviolent Communication: Effective Interpersonal Relationship Skills and Conflict Resolution Training It's not "easy" but it works. The idea is to courageously express your objective observation, your feelings, your needs, and then to make a true request. It's not a form of manipulation it's just a way that you can accurately communicate with someone adversarial, hopefully without triggering their defense mechanisms so they don't feel attacked. It gives the other person an opportunity to understand you, whereas before they might have just been acting out of pure habit. The 4 parts when you're expressing your own needs, are Observation, Feeling, Need, Request. "When you tell me many times to phone this man(O), I feel depressed and hurt (F) because I need to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. (N) Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and instead allow me to do handle this issue in my way? (R)" You would of course change that so it's more accurate to your own self.. each step needs to be free from implying that your feelings are his fault. If you imply that the way you feel is his fault, this triggers his defense mechanism and is not really true anyway. Your brother behaves the way he behaves, but you ultimately are in control of your own emotions and body. I recommend buying the book - just called "Non-Violent Communication." It has really helped me a lot with getting across to people who seemed hopelessly dense and combative before. The (O)bservation part needs to be specific and objective. You say specifically what behavior you're referring to and you don't editorialize or use judging or subjective language. The (F)eeling part needs to be a true feeling. Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, afraid, anxious, hurt, resentful. These are all real feelings. Abused, bullied, patronized, pressured, used, threatened, ignored, boxed-in. These are NOT feelings - they are interpretations of the event. Using them will trigger defense mechanisms because there is an implicit judgment of the other party in them. So DON'T use these words. The (N)eeds part is where you say what aspect of your being is not being fulfilled. Here again we need to be very specific. "I need to feel like I can manage this Visa issue in my own way." The (R)equest part is where you ask the other party, in a true request, not a demand, if they will fulfill your need. You are making yourself vulnerable to rejection, and this is the courageous step forward into the unknown that we take so that we can break the cycle of combativeness. Your request must be a specific thing that the person can specifically act upon. Not something vague like, "Will you please back off and let me control my life?" It has to be more specific - "Will you please let me handle this whole Visa issue in my own way?" Your brother may refuse. So be it. You may feel that he did not understand what you said clearly, and took it the wrong way. This is likely since you're dealing with someone you've known for a long time. He will tend to assume you've responding in a way that you maybe have classically responded in, and not realize you are responding in a new way. In this case, where he did not understand the precise nature of your statement, you simply continue using the method but this time (R)equest him to listen to your statement again "because I may not have been clear the first time." No blame is being placed on him. "Will you please echo back to me what you thought I just said, so that I can be sure I expressed myself properly?" If you're able to stay calm and keep making compassionate, non-violent, non-judging, non-blaming requests, eventually your brother may start to understand you. I highly recommend buying the book. It has helped me a lot. (O)bservation (F)eeling (N)eed (R)equest Delivered in a non-judgmental way, a way that doesn't imply your problems are his fault, and delivered in an honest and vulnerable way so that he can feel you are being sincere. Acting out this method can be extremely terrifying, since you're stepping into the unknown. It is for me, especially with family and people I've known for a long time, because there are so many habits of interaction built up. But if I keep behaving in the old way, I keep getting the old results. I've found that opening myself up this way is always worth it in the end even if I don't get what I wanted. I'm not opening myself up to manipulate or control or to get a specific outcome, I'm just doing it to express myself truly so that the other person can understand me. It's up to the other person if he wants to help me or not. We must learn to accept all reactions whether they are negative or positive, and not let this stop us from genuinely expressing our needs. Bliss Sage: "When you tell me many times to phone this man, I feel depressed and hurt because I am needing to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and allow me to do handle this issue in my own way?" Brother: "You're just being stupid, this is how you have to do it if you want get it done, if you don't do this you're never gonna get it. It will take too long. Yada yada" Bliss Sage: "I don't think I expressed myself clearly... would you please echo back to me what you thought I said so I can see if I said it properly?" Brother: "You said you don't want to phone him" Bliss Sage: "I appreciate you helping me clarify myself. That's not what I meant to say. What I meant to say is that when you've told me over and over to phone this man, I feel depressed and hurt because I am needing to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and allow me to handle this issue in my own way whatever it may be?" Brother: "Fine. If you have to do it your stupid way, then do it. But you're not gonna get it in time and I'm gonna be put out because having you here is a real burden." Bliss Sage: "Thanks for letting me handle this. It's important to me." Now you can end the conversation or you can try to empathize with him with his burden issue. The book goes into detail on how you can empathize non-violently as well as how you can make requests. But it sounds like in your specific case the request is the big part. Just remember that listening and empathizing goes a long way in getting him to understand you. Remember that he also has needs and feelings, even if he hides them and represses them behind violent words and actions. Try to find compassion for him, and try to lead by example. If he can see you behave in a compassionate and precise way towards him, maybe he'll realize that he could also behave that way for a more harmonious interaction. Last edited by yossarian; 01-28-2008 at 03:48 PM.