I have been thinking about this thread all weekend. Pretty sad, huh? As I was cross country skiing I was thinking, thinking, thinking....
First, I was upset with myself that I got defensive towards Ree.
But, then I realized why I did get all up in arms.
I don't want this lot in life.
I don't want to have to be flexible.
I don't want to be the one at everyone else's beckon call.
I want to call my own shots.
I don't want to be at other people's mercy anymore!
I realize I brought this on myself, but I want to change it now! NOW!
I will never forget getting hired for a job at a facility that hosts wedding banquets. The manager hired me right on the spot because he said I had a "subservient" demeanor. That was over ten years ago and those darn words came back to me again this weekend.
At the time I thought that was awesome because I got the job, but now I see it as.... meaning I will forever be at other people's mercy!!!
My husband's grandmother LOVES that I do daycare. She is 87 and she will gush and gush to me about how I am just "meant" to take care of these little kids. She visits us a couple times a month to read to the kids, so she does see me in action with them.
This weekend as I heard again about how I am MEANT to do this I thought to myself, "Great, thanks a lot for this lot in life."
I feel I am at a major crossroads here.
I feel at the edge of something. I don't know if I feel that way because I just desperately WANT to be on the edge of something new, or because there is actually HOPE for something new for me.
Because, honestly... I don't know what to do.
I love the kids. LOVE the kids.
But everything else... it's draining me big time.
But I need to make money.
So I just don't know what to do. It is so frustrating to me.
SO I try to stay happy about everything else in life.... and try to be thankful that I have a job and can make money, but... it feels fake.
I don't know what else to do, so I can't complain.
I have NO CLUE what else to do.
I have been trying to find an answer and nothing comes to me.
And now we are starting another week. I have to cut my weekend short so I can curriculum plan, and then shop for supplies and groceries and then be ready to "be flexible" all week long. I am starting to grow really resentful of these parents who bend this rule, blatantly break that rule and totally igore the rest.
I have to make changes, but I am afraid because we need the money.
And, again... I don't know WHAT changes to make because I don't know what I want!
Oh, I am so frustrated!
I just don't want to be at THEIR mercy anymore!
And, I can't stand being stuck in this house for 11 hours........ I can't work these horus anymore.