Gary,
Thank you. I wrote you from my yahoo address. I am one of those people who think that if the time is right, the teacher shows... and maybe you are it.
I have been well taught - however, this experience has revealed to me some core issues that never got handled (or I wouldnt be here now....) I am certain I chose this rather adolescent relationship in order to deal with some unresolved adolescent issues... but for fvcks sake... those years were hard enough the first time...
However, in those years, I was dealing with rather adult problems. As an adult, I seem to be going through the pain of a real 16 year old, and I cannot and do not seem to have the tools to handle this.
Please check your mail for a note from me.... and I appreciate it.
And everyone, thank you so much for your input. My child was not "happy" when this ended, as a matter of fact, he is rather pissed that someone made his mamma cry. And, yes, I have been focusing on him, and this theatre company.... but there is something about this realtionship and its end that was fundamental to my growth.... and I dont have the skills to resolve it.
This relationship was appropriate for a late teen or early 20 something. As a late teen I was dealing with a mother who was suicidal and consistantly drunk over a stepfather who raped me ---- (she was not slashing her wrists out of guilt, out of anger....) - and as a 20 something, I skipped this entire dating scene and simply got married. So, there is a big big peice of normal adolescent business that has not been finished.
Its like trying to pay a 30 year overdue bill... the interest on the principle is simply impossible to pay.
The BIG UGLY stuff has mostly gotten worked through, but the normative developmental stages were by necessity neglected.... and now, I am keening for a lost love like a 15 year old... and it is... well... inappropriate. And it is crippling me.
I hate this, because it feels like nothing more than the whining of the overly comfortable.... but the pain is real and I dont like it. My rational adult mind is clear, but there is this lost kid inside, who wants an apology, and a happily ever after, and she will not be stilled. The normal paths of healing arent working, so..... I am looking for the alternative paths.
Viktor Frankl saved my life as a teen. Seth Speaks and Jane Roberts got me to accept responsibility for my life as an early adult. 2 amazing tibetan buddhist women reparented and rebirthed me, and led me through PTSD. The major traumas of surviving an impossible and perilous childhood were addressed.... But somehow, along the way - no one taught me how to do the normal things that are shared by virtually all human kind, and I am utterly and completely lost and bereft, and I appreciate your support more than I can say....
Kirikat  |