I know what it's like too Jan, although I stopped at one child - I knew my limits on that one! ;-)
My marriage broke up when I was 2/3 way through uni, and i had to go part time, work full time and pay a lawyer to avoid bankruptcy, while living in a house that was barely habitable. Spending quality time with my (then 5 year old) daughter was unfortunately the last todo item i had! However this became a huge PD learning thing in itself for me. I realised i was repeating my mother's pattern of seeking financial security and ignoring my daughter's needs.
Thankfully I realised this after a period, and was able to appreciate the beautiful little girl who was trying to comfort me while her life had dropped to bits.
I learnt from that, that children can teach us a lot if we're paying attention. They have a brilliant honesty and curiosity that in my case was revelatory at the time. My daughter has been a great PD teacher. Is it a zen saying that goes, Before enlightenment, chop wood, collect water, after enlightenment chop wood, collect water.
It's the chopping and collecting that's the hard work, but maybe the hard work is essential in some way?
It DOES get easier, I know small children are hard work, but my zen master, now 14, still enlightens me most days. I'm in awe of her. I'm sure your boys will be the same.
Your boys are here for a reason, they are part of your life lessons too. You'll be fine you know, by definition, you won't die before you're finished!
joy to you
Hazel
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