[Jcs]

Originally Posted by Tobias Zimpel

JCS, looks like your life is mostly a roller-coaster ride lately, isn't it?

Quite, thanks for taking your time Tobias. I really appreciate it.

Find out what you hope a girlfriend to give you, then start giving this to yourself and to others.

I thought about this a lot. In the short (first) relation I had last year I thought: "I have an okay job, boring study but i'll make it (less then one schoolyear left to graduate) and a girlfriend!" but even then I felt like I was missing something.

Maybe you expect her to love you. then learn to love yourself without a girlfriend, and then start to love others.

Learn to love yourself... Heard it more then once of course but I will make a mental note-to-self.

You write:
[...]
This gives me the impression as if you search a girlfriend for what she has to give you, or what you can take from her. And that will probably scare nearly every woman away - maybe except for those who have a pathological need to help.

I thought it was the feeling that someone loves you, cares about you. But like above, I still felt a big void.

What I suggest is that you ask not what a girlfriend could do for you, but what you could do for your girlfriend if you had one. A relationship is foremost about loving a person, and then about being loved in return. But you are the ohe who loves in the first time.

I agree with that totally. I feel I like someone slowly and then, boom, it changes in to an obsession to be with her. A lot I's there...

I can't force someone to love me, can I? If I really love a person, then I want her to be happy more badly than I want to be happy myself (not really, but you get the pint, do you?) So if this person decides she is better off without me, how could I say that I love her if I don't accept this decision?

That's exactly what I couldn't do when she (the last girl in my story) told me she was going to see him. Now I do accept it, and truly hope they will be happy together.

Although when she's now for example goes off-line from MSN, i'm like ****. She's gonna have a good sleep, tomorrow he's there for her. She's happy. And I stay staring at my screen.

Sure I lost some close friends before, and I was deeply hurt - but life still goes on, and I will find new friends over time (and already have!)

All I can say is; I messed up good friendships by wanting more then was possible. Not really had any 'normal' friendships in that way.

What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable in these situations? Can you describe it a little bit, please?

I think for me it's like public speaking. In school, I did everything to get out of giving i.e. a book review in front of the class. Which I did like twice eventually in 4 years . This is more speculation to be honest but I feel like the things I would say are unimportant, not valuable. In relation to teams ports/activities, well fear of failure is obvious I guess.

Learn to love yourself - that's the only real thing I can tell you about this issue. How can you expect others to love you if you are not even able to love yourself?

I know this damn wel. Somehow I don't put thought into it or I find nothing to love about myself.

If you want, walk to the next mirror, look at your face and say "I love you" as you would to the woman of your dreams. You may feel stupid, but do it anyways. Make this a daily habit, and learn to feel that way.

Okay.., that really works?

I also suggest that you read some books by John Gray:

Amazon.com: How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Personal Success: Books: John Gray,Gray John
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship: Books: John Gray
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One: Books: John Gray

Will do some digging, thanks

Let go. I know that this sounds shallow, but it's really the thing. You are too attached to outcomes, I think, and any person will feel that. Would you say yes to a woman who expresses with every word, with every move of her body, that she is desperately searching for a boyfriend, would you feel attracted to her?

Trying to let go with this girl right now. It's going OK so far. Accept for when she i.e. offline / gone to him. The jealousy!

Would I feel attracted to that kind of woman? Probably not attracted but surely desperate enough.

I set a lot of shallow goals in my life, and I reached none of them. If I ever did, I always found it to be totally wrong, and that I have paid way too high a price for it.

Think I can relate to that.

And that's a great success, isn't it? I myself did not smoke a single cigarette (I mean tobacco) for nearly 4 years, and that's great, isn't it?
But there are a lot of little things that you can be proud of.

Thats is something I need to realize a lot more.

I suggest that you first work on your self esteem, and build on that later.

Really need to work on that, yes. Assertive (training?) is an option I think.

I can't show you a path. I am not you, so I'm on a very different path than you. I can only say that you must find your own path.

Of course, I know

I will be totally honest to you: It will probably not be easy, and it will probably not be a matter of days, weeks or even months until your life feels even remotely on track.

At least it helps to know you aren't out there alone

Have you read Steve's story from siting in a jail cell to becoming what he is today? You can find it in the first part of his Meaning of Life Series

Yes, that I have read (and listened) to quite a while ago. When I actually told my self I was going to weave a thread of personal development in my life. Funny that part "things may not look that different x months/years from now" and I myself end up (although by own choice, wasn't a mandatory lockup) in isolation.

I started to get my life on track years ago, and only a few months ago I finally had to admit that I only got it more and more off track in every single aspect. I now started to work on getting it on track again, building upon my experiences (and some of them felt very negative) - you can read about it on my ever growing blog on living your dream life.

I wish you all good, and if you have any further questions, please write here again, so you can get the help and support of this great community.

I too, wish you success

Something I still want too add. The girl friend I had last year, was 14 years old. Nobody has to tell how stupid that was. It bizarre too young of course, I know. And yes we had sex. I know it was wrong but I feel I can't hide it under shame cause then it will only get worse. The girl I have been so emotional about lately is 15,5. Luckily nothing happened. I feel truly ashamed.

When I think about it logically, an 15 year old girl whom I only know from the internet? What!? It completely 'stupid' to be so crazy about that! Unfortunately my emotions if you will don't follow the same conclusion...