[Tobias Zimpel]

JCS, looks like your life is mostly a roller-coaster ride lately, isn't it?

Originally Posted by Jcs

I've tried so many times to get my life back on track. To get a girlfriend. To follow a live plan. It keeps failing every time. As in my story above, I never really had much friend or social life. I actively search for a girlfriend, someone that loves me. It 3 times turned into an obsession. So now my questions;

How can I stop being so obsessive about girl / getting a girlfriend?

Find out what you hope a girlfriend to give you, then start giving this to yourself and to others.

Maybe you expect her to love you. then learn to love yourself without a girlfriend, and then start to love others.

You write:

I actively search [...] someone that loves me.

This gives me the impression as if you search a girlfriend for what she has to give you, or what you can take from her. And that will probably scare nearly every woman away - maybe except for those who have a pathological need to help.

What I suggest is that you ask not what a girlfriend could do for you, but what you could do for your girlfriend if you had one. A relationship is foremost about loving a person, and then about being loved in return. But you are the ohe who loves in the first time.

How do you cope with rejections, turn downs, breakups, false hopes? Surely a 10+ relationship going bad is emotionally n times worse?

I can't force someone to love me, can I? If I really love a person, then I want her to be happy more badly than I want to be happy myself (not really, but you get the pint, do you?) So if this person decides she is better off without me, how could I say that I love her if I don't accept this decision?

Sure I lost some close friends before, and I was deeply hurt - but life still goes on, and I will find new friends over time (and already have!)

How do I start getting social? I'm day after day behind my computer doing nothing much productive, if I just would! I hate team sports and crowds of people you have to interact with. (Not scared to go outside or party with 200 strangers, its the 'have to interact' part). Then I panic, sweat breaks out and feels like I have to puke.

What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable in these situations? Can you describe it a little bit, please?

I feel like I need a girlfriend, someone that loves me. What can I do to stop focussing on it? Or an alternative, like not feeling unloved.

Learn to love yourself - that's the only real thing I can tell you about this issue. How can you expect others to love you if you are not even able to love yourself?

If you want, walk to the next mirror, look at your face and say "I love you" as you would to the woman of your dreams. You may feel stupid, but do it anyways. Make this a daily habit, and learn to feel that way.

I also suggest that you read some books by John Gray:

Amazon.com: How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Personal Success: Books: John Gray,Gray John
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship: Books: John Gray
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One: Books: John Gray

When bad things ( especially with girls ) happen, I get too emotional about it. Others get turned down dozen times and just go on. What can I do, so that its less of an impact to me?

Let go. I know that this sounds shallow, but it's really the thing. You are too attached to outcomes, I think, and any person will feel that. Would you say yes to a woman who expresses with every word, with every move of her body, that she is desperately searching for a boyfriend, would you feel attracted to her?

Where/how you find a goal in your life? I've read the article, but I just don't know.

I set a lot of shallow goals in my life, and I reached none of them. If I ever did, I always found it to be totally wrong, and that I have paid way too high a price for it.

I want my life back on track, as far as it was ever on track. I need goals, a future, a girlfriend. I need, I need, I need unfortunately. What is it I do wrong? Al I can be proud of is that I'm clean of weed for 3,5 years now.

And that's a great success, isn't it? I myself did not smoke a single cigarette (I mean tobacco) for nearly 4 years, and that's great, isn't it?

But there are a lot of little things that you can be proud of.

I suggest that you first work on your self esteem, and build on that later.

Show me a path I could follow? I definitely don't want to walk this one anymore.

I can't show you a path. I am not you, so I'm on a very different path than you. I can only say that you must find your own path.

I will be totally honest to you: It will probably not be easy, and it will probably not be a matter of days, weeks or even months until your life feels even remotely on track.

Have you read Steve's story from siting in a jail cell to becoming what he is today? You can find it in the first part of his Meaning of Life Series

I started to get my life on track years ago, and only a few months ago I finally had to admit that I only got it more and more off track in every single aspect. I now started to work on getting it on track again, building upon my experiences (and some of them felt very negative) - you can read about it on my ever growing blog on living your dream life.

I wish you all good, and if you have any further questions, please write here again, so you can get the help and support of this great community.