[Jcs]

So, hi everyone. Last days were kinda black, to explain it all I will try to give a bit more information about my life first.

My parents are both dutch although lived in America. They divorced when I was 2 years old and mom went back with me to the Netherlands.

Around my 5th-6th year, my stepfather came in the picture. My biological father sometimes visited me when he was in the country. That stopped after my mother got involved with my stepfather. I had a hard time accepting this for some reason, never had any bond with my biological father and didn't miss him whatsoever.

So I could be hard to handle sometimes. Throwing things at my mother, kicking stuff etc. Though that didn't last very long.

During this time (I guess you could say, elementary school? 4-11year old) I had two friends in my neighborhood. Nothing much bad happened in that period.

Then first year of (I would say high-school now, 12-16 in my case) was hell. My two friends both moved away and we didn't really keep in touch. So at the new school without friends there nor outside of school. I got bullied quite a lot, getting a tube of superglue in the neck, getting hit with rulers, the whole class telling me they aren't my friend just for , well I don't know for what reason.

So that wasn't going to well. Transfered to another school. Much better already. The class I got into also housed a few people I knew from elementary school. Didn't get picked on as much (In every class there's someone who hates you so). The 2nd year went by pretty quiet as well. The relationship with my stepdad is great from this point onward.

In the 3rd year classes moved to another school building. Made some great friends. Started going out with them sometimes, hang around on the schoolyard etc. Also started smoking weed, probably the worst that I got into as side-effect. (I'm 15 at this point).

That same year I kissed for the fist time. Was more a 'lets experiment' then actually bf/gf thing. But, I start to like her, yadada, we talk more (rl and msn) go out few times. Just fun friendship, although I would not have mind it being more then that at the time. However, she had a boyfriend. Ok, fine, sucks, but ok. Us hanging around and going out for me gave the feeling she too wanted more.

One day she sends me an email which basically said, my boyfriend doesn't want me seeing you anymore, bye. I was hurt pretty good because we were good friends and gave me a feeling of false hope by hanging and going out with me so much.

Two weeks later she calls me, telling me they broke up. So we went out doing some friendly stuff in the weekend. All was ok. Next weekend she asks if I can go with her to some live music in a bar/pub cause her parents won't let her go otherwise. Ok, why not I don't mind going out with her. Wrong. Turns out she has a new boyfriend. Right, it had been a week and now someone else is kissing her in front of my face. That was kinda the end of our friendship.

Next, i'm 17, finished school and on to the next one. Went to a new school about some 60 miles away from where if life. Traveling about 2,5 hours a day.. Studying IT (read; Here you have a project, do the project, see you in 2 weeks). Got good grades, was very boring though. Made two great friends. After a while we started going out with a whole group, staying overnight there. Going ok, still smoked weed when going out. After a while I started smoking normal cigarettes too. Six-seven months later I started smoking weed almost everyday.

My grades were, even though I was Sir smokealot, still above average. End of the year nearing, fixing up the lose ends and I pass for the 2nd year. But. The study was so boring I decide not to stay in school. Part-time job at the bowling alley as mechanic became a full-time one. Didn't earn alot though I still lived with my parents so it was enough.

One year after working full-time I decided this isn't what I want for the rest of my life. Looked around for possibilities to pick up the study again. Started 2nd year in another town some 20 miles away. Was a bit closer with the train, less then 2 hours each day. Right at the start I had to do an 9 week internship, landed in a computer store for help-desk / repair. That went great, I quitted my part-time job and started working there after the intern. Rest of the year went fine. Finished it ok. At this point i'm 19.

The second year started off okay. Again, the study continues to be boring but I should push on. I was quite depressed about having no future-goals in life and just living the zombie life, thats when I got in to therapy.

In february I meet a girl via World Of Warcraft which I played a lot. We met in real life... I had a girlfriend! What a concept. She lived in the UK, that wasn't very helpful though. The first time sex happened, kinda failed horribly (in my view anyway). Condoms are devilish things, hard to keep it up etc. Still embarrassed. After about 4 months, she breaks up cause she couldn't handle my occasional depressed moods. Was very upset about it, which leaded to coming late for school/work. Eventually I stopped going to school/work.

So, here I am, no job, no study. This 'break' if you will, went alright for a few months. Met some internet friends, in amsterdam, in July which was fun. In september I broke down again, didn't know what to do, where to go. Therapist arranged a place at an open mental clinic. Open as in , you are free to go every you wish just be back before 10pm. Eventually stayed there for 7 weeks.

After I got out, I got my stuff back on track. Started working 3 days a week. My cousin had a house with a room left, she needed someone to help pay the rent. I moved in there. Five months earlier I had nothing, now I have a job and my own place!

Its now about october 2007. Even went out with a girl I knew from msn for over 3 years. We had fun. We both felt it wasn't gonna be more then friendship. I'm ok with that, if people don't 'connect' , sucks, but ok. At least this girl was honest about it, without the false hope stuff.

Living my life, playing World of Warcraft when I don't work. It wasn't a perfect life, far from it. But now, end of January everything went wrong again. I'm 20 now.

I know this girl from, yes, World of Warcraft, for about a bit more then a year now. Knew her before I got involved with the other girl which became my girlfriend. After the break up I started liking this 'new' girl more and more. Eventually I just played on WoW to be with her, not even because I liked the game. The game became quite boring actually!

Now she likes a guy from her guild/clan/club in WoW. She liked him before I was even friends with her. After a while they got involved with each other. Involved as-in 'internet-relationship' like they called it. They broke up at-least a dozen times. Where as she had a boyfriend, I was the first to get her picture and talk to her on the phone. Especially in the break up periods she pulled towards me.

I should have realized all the "love you" "<3" and what not on the internet are pretty shallow but alas. Anyway, the friendship is going great and last week friday night we were talking about a real life meeting. But that wasn't possible due to her parents not going to let her go somewhere. To explain that; She also was slacking on school, therapy, WoW addiction etc, she had not left the house for 2 months.

So ok, I couldn't fly over there (scandinavia) because her parents would not be ok with it. Alright. Maybe in the future. But no, she tells me she's going to meet the internet-boyfriend tomorrow! So it is 5am , thursday on friday night, we talk about possibly meeting, which isn't possible apparently and she *does* go to him?

I totally losed control. Became upset like I never have before. Why can she go see him and not me? Parents? No, because that evening I head her parents called the cops which actually started a search party. So she can break the rules for him but not for me?

At 6 am I went to buy cigarettes, I had to calm down! Showed up before a closed door at work 1,5 hours to early. Frozen stiff , the shop opens up 1,5 later. I go to work only thinking about her and that guy being together. Shaking like mad.

That evening I hear they didn't do anything, just had a fun time. Alright, not a big deal, yea? Still felt pretty crap. Saturday 4 am. At this point I hadn't slept for 48 hours. So I slept till sunday 12am-ish. First thing I hear is that she's going to meet that guy again! And her parents were ok with it! ... Felt like someone stabbing me in the back. She said she wanted to meet me but couldn't - what a lie!

I get some alcohol out and start drinking, in the afternoon. During dinnertime I decide to go out and into the pub. Ate something, drank more and more. The girl comes back from the 2nd date and apparently they were all over each other this time.

*That* I couldn't handle. Imagining another guy being all cuddly with her, that was just to much. I cried, shaken, felt miserable and all those things. My stepfather came by and brought me to the clinic I had been before. They send us to some other location where I could stay for awhile. All I could think of was her being with someone else. I wanted to kill them both, I wanted them both to be happy, I wanted her to be with me. Lots of conflicting feelings.

So I stay the night at an close facility. The pillow getting most my aggression luckily. By accident, and yes it really was, I broke a light-switch. They said that wasn't the way things go around that place and ended up in a separation-jail-cel for 1,5 hours. I followed the rules nicely, and they let me out the next day (today).

Just the mental image of that girl being with someone else, is torturing me. Although less now, then before the 2 day clinic stay.