Hey, uber. Looking at all you have on your plate right now I can see why you feel overwhelmed. I am still of the opinion that it would be a lot easier for you to get on an even keel if you didn't have the added stress of a relationship. If it were me I would focus on getting a job and taking good care of yourself in general (eating, exercising, sleeping). If you are healthy and rested you will just feel better in general and have the energy to tackle everything that's going on. Once you have the job in place, money problems should diminish and you could even try to move to somewhere you wouldn't hate.
You are not trapped, except to the extent you trap yourself with your thoughts. Remember you have the freedom to choose how and who you want to be. It isn't always an instant transformation. You have a lot of big stuff in your past that you have to work through and let go. But each step you take away from the pain is a step toward a happy life. I am pretty sure you want that!
Do I have all the answers? Hell no! But I am talking to myself here as much as to you. We are the only ones who can make a change. And we can do it! It sure feels like a lot of work, because it is. And I know you are exhausted. Take care of yourself till you have the energy to do the work. You can get stronger every day.
If you haven't read it, Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is really great. I would recommend it to you now.
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