[Char]

Hello,

This is my first post. I entered some words in google looking for a forum related to what I might be dealing with and this forum appeared. So here I am, hoping this doesn't sound ridiculous. However I think if I can feel this way, just maybe someone else out there does as well.

I am almost 34 and have extreme insecurities about not feeling smart. I am very outgoing and have lots of friends and have always been known as the party girl, still seem to have that label and at 34 I want to be more then that. I am very comfortable in social situations, but I am not comfortable anymore with me and who I am at this juncture of my life.

As I grow older I get more of a complex about not feeling very intellectual which is starting to cause me social anxiety for the first time. I grew up struggling with school. I was diagnosed with a learning disability and never was good at studying. Not only was I challenged by school but I didn't care about school. I was more into the social aspect. Once I hit 25 years old I slowly started being concerned with the fact that I want to know more and be more and now I am practically debilitated by this insecurity.

I have gone through periods of trying to attempt going back to school as I never attended college and then would lose interest again and go back to partying. Its been like this for years and I don't understand why I am not willing to work harder to make changes. I think I have a hard time with the thought of hard work. I get overwhelmed and want to give up and feel like I will be unable to succeed.

I must state however that I am proud of myself as I went to night school for 3 years earning a certificate in Human Resource Management and was in the field for a few years until I realized it wasn't all I thought it was. Now at 34 I feel that I lack so much, I feel I know nothing about anything. I am scared of being with other adults and converstaions arising about political or any type of worldly events. That is probably a bit extreme, but its how I feel. Stupid! I am starting to close up around people because I am so consumed by it that it makes me nervous in social situations. The older you get the harder it is to get away with acting silly, and just being known as a partier. I feel that people would expect much more of me, more worldly at this time and I want to be but its hard for me to learn, understand and retain. I subscribed to Newsweek recently and try and watch the news everyday. I read a lot more and constantly look up words I am unfamiliar with. I am taking strides to self teach but at 34 I feel like I have to self teach in so many areas going way back because I never focused before.

This insecurity has been apparent to others. Its affected my relationships with men I have met because they see the lack of confidence in me and things end up never working out. I just wish I could put something in me that would make me smart and be able to retain and recall everything I see and read. I want to feel that I can hold my own in a room of adults, in situations that include discussion and debate in important areas. The few areas I am knowledgeable about, mainly understanding and reading people, I am very passionate about. If there is anything I do know and feel strong about I am quite passionate but feel I am limited to expressing my passion because my lack of knowledge, smarts.

I am scared to even ask questions to anythinbg that doesn't make sense to me for fear I look dumb. I just smile and nodd even when I am clueless to the topic because of fear of letting on I don't have a clue what someone is talking about. How did I get this extreme phobia and how do I fix it? I am again making efforts but it will take a lot for me to really deal with this on the level I feel it and I can't fix it by becoming smart over night.

I apologize for the novel but does anyone by chance understand this in any way? I would love to hear from you. If you took the time to read all of this, Thank you immensely!

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving to you all