One of the most important things you can do to take care of your relationship is to take care of yourself. Making your well-being your first priority is an act of love not only for yourself, but also for your sweetheart and also for the world.
When you make yourself wrong about that, and tell yourself, "oh, that's so selfish! I should make HER well-being more important than my own!" -- that's actually you trying to take care of her business, which is HER BUSINESS, which she is responsible for. That is not to say that you don't care about her, that you don't want to make a huge difference in her life, and supporting her in her commitment to generating a life she loves. But it's important to remember, I feel, that it is not your job to generate a life that she loves. That's her job. Your job is to generate a life you love. Living a life you love, mlc82, seems to include doing what you can to assist her and please her and be your best self, which is wonderful! But ultimately, her well-being is her responsibility.
You have been straight with her about you require for your well-being, which is some alone time, including that particular night (did you actually tell her ahead of time that you wanted to be alone that particular night?). And when she asserted what she wanted, you subjugated your well-being to hers. If you were able to do that with a glad heart, you would have been fine; but since helping her in this case meant you had to give up the time alone that was very important to you, you felt resentful and manipulated, and you brought that with you into your relationship with her.
The bad news is this is all you're responsibility. The good news is this is all you're responsibility!
I hear in what you say that it's painful for you to put your own well-being first, that you get irritated and resentful and manipulated when she makes you feel like you "owe" her something, like helping her move for instance. But guess what: you don't owe her anything! And she does not owe you. Every action in a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship is an action of free choice. She can't "make" you feel manipulated unless you agree to feel manipulated. Another choice you might make is to be really straight and responsible with her: "My sweet, I thought I was feeling manipulated by you, but I'm really manipulating myself. I understand that it's important to you to get x done tonight, and it looks like I didn't make it clear to you that being alone tonight was an essential way of taking care of myself, something that's not up for negotiation. If I don't do what's necessary to take care of myself, then I won't be available and powerful to take other action that I'm passionate about, like tending our relationship and doing everything I can to make sure you feel safe and loved and happy. I'm sorry I was unclear, and that I allowed myself to bring irritation and manipulation into our relationship. Would you please forgive me? I'm very grateful to you for giving me the freedom to take good care of myself, so that I'm powerful and effective in taking care of our relationship, which means the world to me."
Maybe you wouldn't say it in those words, but can you see the power of taking 100% responsibility for your life, and giving others the freedom to make their own choices? She might get mad, or argue, or see your point; whatever she does, she is free to make her own choices, and to learn what there is to learn out of those choices. That does not rob you of your choice to be responsible for your own choices, or to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Kind of wordy, huh? Thanks for listening to me, because this is at least as much for me as it is for you.
Thanks.
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