Hey tstesen. I also had a painful past and there are times when I so badly wish I can go back and just change everything and it feels everyday that my reality is a nightmare and I'm trapped in it and it really really sucks. Perhaps I may never understand what you are going through and never will and its not my place to say what you should do or not do.
But these words have given me relief and I hope they will to you from your past and internal suffering;
The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because – this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus, murdered; Martin Luther King, murdered; Malcolm X, murdered; Gandhi, murdered; John Lennon, murdered; Reagan … wounded. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. -Bill Hicks
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