[blueberry]

I'm starting to realize that I'm placing myself in a very isolated and scary situation. This post is about the person I am now living with again - my first extremely serious on and off relationship. FYI - by living with him I'm a fish out of water in a small town where I don't know anybody but him. For all the time Ive spent here with him, I've felt very amotivated and unhappy. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do here because I can't make a positive difference. Even though I've chosen to live here because I love this guy, my unhappiness and his contrasting contentment from living here has always been a huge source of conflict that would ultimately drive us apart.

In the past, when our relationship is healthy, we've been extraordinary at unintentionally reading one another's minds and sharing our thoughts. When this is the case, we have a utopian dynamic between us that makes the decision to be together effortless - because it feels right. At other times, (sadly most of the time when we're together for extended periods of time), our interactions are strained and very disconnected. I think this is due to the fact that if we aren't on a supreme and effortless level with each other, I'm inclined to want to do something else with my life, regardless of how much I love him and relate to him when we're in that shared state. It's very Jekyll and Hyde like.

I had left him and moved back to my home state after unsuccessfully living with him for over a year. Our relationship was incredibly isolating since I had moved to be with him and our egos refused to cooperate through the entire struggle. I felt like my life was over. It got ugly. Neither of us wanted to admit that we had failed because we had invested so much of ourselves into our dream ideal of being together.

So I left. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do because of the strength of my denial and resistance to what was happening. I guess I was trying to go down with the sinking ship of my broken dreams since I was the captain.

I began a new and brave life and found myself surrounded by new friends and opportunities. It was astounding how all of it had just fallen into my lap when I needed it the most. Even though I had come from a ridiculously broken past of my relationship gone wrong and an unmentionable childhood, somehow I felt I was finally going places. Gaining experiences. Learning what it was that I really wanted to do.

I became independent for myself for the first time ever in my life. I started to feel healthy and even though neither my life nor I was perfect, it was okay and I had faith that things were going as they should be. Being myself with other people was effortless - because I was being true to myself.

Although I had resisted the urge to curl back up to my old love like a yoyo on a string.... as time progressed, I allowed myself to talk to him again and with both of us on not only our best behavior - but enabled with the growth and insight we had gained from being apart, we magnetically rejoined to share ourselves with each other. My ex convinced me that we would know what to do with ourselves and be reassured of our invincibility at this point if we could just see each other and spend some time together in person.

While I was spending time with him, we acted without inhibition in response to our feelings and seeing each other again ultimately brought us back together.

The first handful of days together were great but towards the end of my stay with him, I kept looking forward to going back home to my independent life. Once I had left however, the conflict between my two lives was immediately apparent. No matter which direction I leaned - towards my friends at home and the plans I had made to live my life there or back to my old boyfriend - I was in conflict. I was scared of both options and I was scared to put all my eggs in one basket. I had proved that I could be happy and learn to live life without my old love and I feared that if I got back with him, the same thing as before would happen. The reason I ultimately chose to be with him again was because I was scared of what would happen if I let him go. The entire time he was persuading me as well and I felt weakened to make my own choices because we were both telling me that I couldn't trust myself.

I started isolating myself from all of my friends back home before I left and I even went and split financially on a car with him. Everybody around me noticed that I was going crazy but I didn't want to be helped by anybody. I burned my bridges.

I've told my boyfriend about all of these feelings and he tells me the reason that I look at my old life in the romantic and wishful way that I do is because it's the ultimate opportunity to distract myself with a lifestyle that will never serve me.

I feel like I've just been sitting here convincing myself of one thing or another. The bottom line is that I don't trust myself and I'm perceiving reality with an agenda. One way I know this is that I've cut off contact with everybody from my old life. I don't want to be judged or have to feel like I'm lying about what I'm doing with my life.

I miss myself. My real self. I've been driving myself crazy since moving back here and while I feel like it was a mistake the way I came to the decision to, I don't even know how I want to feel about the fact that I'm here. I should probably be medicated or at least in therapy but I've been living in poverty for years now.

I'm only 19. This guy is 23 and he has his whole life figured out. Just the other day he said something along the lines of how with life he wants to find just one channel that's playing and just watch it. I am anything but that statement. I ambitiously want to explore and be free and know everything I can through direct experience. He believes he has everything figured out for himself and perhaps his right. He has enormous potential but his apathy can be very strong when it comes down to reasoning his way into settling in life. He almost even rationalized killing himself while I was gone after I had left him. And he could again, I'm sure.

*sigh* At this point after having written so much, I'm not even sure of the coherence of my tale any more but as you can tell the main point is that I'm very unsure and I suspect that I'm living in extreme denial. But there's denial of even the denial! I feel like I won't allow myself to know what's really true for myself because I'm scared of what I'll find.

any questions or responses are all welcome.