Two days ago, bf told me he wanted some alone time after Christmas. I told him I wanted him to change his mind. A big blow-out ensued.
I wrote the following email to my bf today:
Quote:
I'm very sorry I didn't respect your boundaries. It was wrong of me to use tears and emotional blackmail to try to force you to change your mind. I really regret making you feel cornered. I was in the wrong, and my behavior was inexcusable. You were in the right to ask me to leave. I take 100% responsibility for being unreasonable.
I was exaggerating and being a brat when I said you don't make me feel important. You cut your business trip short to spend time with me. Most of your free time since Thanksgiving, you have spent with me. You've bought me beautiful pink roses, and a gorgeous black rose necklace. You've cooked great meals for me.
I'm not perfect, and maybe this isn't the last time I'll cry and protest when you need space. But I support your need for "Your Private Time" and promise to adjust my attitude. I just need time to learn new behaviors.
I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
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It's DAMN HARD apologizing! I'm trying to keep my intentions as pure and sincere as possible. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of how he was also in the wrong.
This email is killing me. I think I did the right thing. But what if the bf decides it's not enough? Or he's gonna run with it, and make me "pay" for my crimes? Or, he takes 2 weeks to reply? What about all the times he hurt me, and I quickly let it go - don't I deserve the same? It seems really unfair that I have to be the bigger person.
Most of all, I'm really angry at myself for starting World War III. Now, instead of spending a happy New Years together, we're not talking to each other. But I didn't mean it, so why can't he be more understanding?
I know, I know - right now, I'm talking from a very un-evolved place. But right now, I feel so angry, resentment, hurt, and don't feel like being enlightened! I want the bf to come down from his high horse and realize he's not perfect, and say he's sorry too.
He is an a$$ for not being understanding of my situation. I even told him that the 1 yr anniversary of my fiancé's death is coming up. And I'm in a lot of pain over it. And the bf doesn't even consider it! And when I try to bring it up, he won't listen to me.
HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME!!!!! He only wants me around when I'm cheerful. When I'm sad (I'm only human, after all, with a lot of trauma in the past), he gets so angry at me. Why won't he listen to me, and hear that it's MY pain. It has nothing to do with him!
Thanks for letting me vent.