[loveliketheflowers]

i was with a man for quite some time. oh and before i write a whole thing, please do not be rude and tease me on my grammar, sentence structure, or whatever...gimme a chance please and just read. I hope I write clearly enough (happened to me before on another forum site..) anyway i was with this guy who is 14yrs older than me, im in my early twenties. when i met him, it was by accident basically. i was working at a strip club and he was one of the men in there. but instead of trying to give me dances he was trying to get my number and try and go out with me outside of the club. he was defintely not my type, older, kinda has a belly, not really that attractive in my eyes. but anyway he kept talking and talking and finally i just gave him my number in hopes that he would come back to the club to give me dances and $$$$. but he never did, i think once while i was dancing at that club. but a year passes, he has my number, and he was always calling me and text messaging me to go out with him or do something. but i kept denying him or ignoring his calls, for a whole year. then after the year of calling, he text message me saying he had weed to sale. at the time i had just broken up with a boyfriend i had been with for a year and half (plus got into debt cause of him, got a motorcycle in my name for him since his credit was bad, i thought we were going to get married, i thought he was IT, but he wasn't, of course...). i was devastated and very depressed, so i took up smoking weed to ease my feelings and hoping i wouldn't have to think about it. going back to the other man tho. i'll call him "R". so anyway "R" texts me saying he has some to sell and that particular day all of my connections were not getting back to me. so i gave in, called him and asked if i could pick up some... anyway i go out there get it, and he begs me to go out with him just once and give him a chance. since i was alone and isolated myself in my apartment, i gave in and said ok. its just gonna be once, right? we started hanging out and he's a nice person...we never became exclusive because i never wanted that from him plus he told me he was "kinda married" to this asian woman to help her get a greencard. i dont know what to believe now that i write this. anyway we ended up being together for a year and a half, i tried to stop talking to him for many reasons. he always wanted to have 3somes and do things i wasn't really for. i mean i said i liked women and wanted to try a 3some. but after being with him, that phase or me wanting that is over and done, im disgusted by the thought.

anyway all of that. i was also living with my parents house and wanted to move out because they are my grandparents and were always strict about me being at home and coming home late, but im over twenty one. i was so frustrated and just wanted to get out. so "R" tells me his friend is trying to sell his house but since the market is so bad, he will be renting out the rooms, did i want to move in? at first i hesitated cause i knew if i got into that with him i was really going to be stuck. but i wanted to get out so bad, so i choose to do it. it was very dramatic the leaving from my grandparents to their, but i wanted freedom and to do my own thing. but it was the worst experience of my life. while i was there i started to do things i wouldn't ever do, such as doing ecstasy alot and getting money in a not good way. but i was still stuck to him. i tried to leave at least 5times. i would find out about other women, read messages online he sent to women. and i just found out yesterday while out with my girlfriend that his asian wife is pregnant and that he has been talking bad about me the whole time, saying that "i know my place" and "his wife is the only person that can hold it down". i was so shocked and devastated. i was so upset i just got really drunk and passed on out. but i left the house this morning and went back home with my grandparents i had not seen in months.

i still feel so lost. so heartbroken. so betrayed. i want him to get his for doing so much to me. but i know that is not the right way. how can i properly just move on? how can i not think about him again? how can i stop the urge to think or contact him when i just want to express how i feel and see what he has to say? how do you just let go of someone you loved and thought loved you back? and do you think he really did love me? he did try to help me but then he contradict it by doing all those negative things. is it my fault? please write me. i hope you can help me.

young, sad, and confused...
i want to be happy and confident
i want to feel like a good person