Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfgang  Is the freaking out level of a broken relationship directly related self esteme? The less you feel whole on your own, the more suseptable one is to a suffering during heart break? |
Yes, I think so.
I agree with Jim, if you need someone else to feel good and happy, then if that person disappears from your life, of course you'll be broken and lost. The problem however is not the other person going, it is you needing her.
Statements like "I can't live without you!" are said to be very romantic... but if I heard a guy saying that to me, I'd run away screaming out loud! To me it sounds just unhealthy and scary.
Now that doesn't mean that nobody should ever feel pain. My ex and I separated recently and of course I feel sad. My dog died a few days ago, I also feel sad. It's someone disappearing from your life, beautiful moments that will not come back, words you'll never hear again... Of course that hurts. Grieving is normal I guess.
I think what makes a heart really breake are thoughts like "I'm worthless as a single" or "I feel so lonely" or "nobody loves me" or "If she dumped me, that means that I'm not good enough" or "the other one is better than me" or such things... if you don't have such thoughts, it's sad to say goodbye, but it won't drain all hapiness out of you.
And it also has something to do with expectations, again. If you expect a lot from yourself and from your partner, like "we'll always stay together" or "we'll always help and support each other", or "I will always love her", when they go you feel betrayed, and maybe unimportant. Other possibility, you stop wanting the relationship yourself, and feel terribly guilty. Without such expectations, her or your "betrayal" is just a decision she/you made to go another path than yours/hers. You can part with love and go your way in peace.
That was about broken relationships. Now about expressing your love and being rejected... It's the same. If you think things like "if she says no, that means I'm not good enough" or "if she says no, I'll be lonely" or "if she says no, that means I'm worthless, I lose my face", well yeah, if you have such a low self-esteem, you'll feel rejected by a no. In that case it's understandable if you try to avoid such a pain by being extremely careful with expressing your feelings. But again, if you don't have such thoughts, a no will not hurt you.
Another thing that was very, very important for me to understand is that expressing your love does not necessarily mean that you request anything. Most people, when they say "I love you" don't mean "I love you". They mean "I love you (sometimes, IMO that's quite rare in fact), I want to be in a relationship with you / I want to spend more time with you / I want you to <something>" It's a request! If you take the request part out of the equation, expressing your love isn't scary anymore.
I've realized that loving someone is a wonderful experience and saying it also gives me a great feeling. It's a gift for the other person, like saying "I have opened my eyes to your beauty and now I can see how wonderful you are". So what's scary with just saying that? It's a compliment. You're not afraid of telling others what a great car they have either, are you?
You don't have to "give" anything in return, or to agree with anything, just because someone loves you and you don't tell him to get lost. And you don't have to fiercely want something just because you love someone. Sometimes it will happen, sometimes not... maybe you don't want (yeah, I can love someone and NOT want anything with them), maybe they don't want for some reason, they just take another decision, and you can still love them and be happy.
my 2 cts.