Wolfgang,
I understand what you're saying that basically since I'm so wrapped up with this idea in my head that I am making it stronger and seemingly more real as a result and that also I am possibly one of those that wants what they can't have.
I would really like for you to know something about me....that I am pretty darn intelligent. I don't allow myself to get caught up in something unless I've looked at it from each angle because when people don't do that that's when major regrets and mistakes happen.
I have tested the possibility that I am too blind in my emotions to really know if Im creating this connection in my head or not. and I've also tested the possibility that maybe I want him so badly because I cant have him. Both did not pan out. God I wish they did!!! Then I wouldnt be so caught up in this. I WANT to find some answer that can tell me that this is not real and its becaue of "x" reason and I will find someone else. Trust me I have dissected this to the very last emotion and I give myself credit for how close to objective I can be about it.
Me and him did not talk for almost a year, I dated someone else during, so I was able to fade out most of the feelings (or so I thought). It was also during the time he was engaged and got married. (He met her and then married her 9 months later). So I disliked him strongly. Anyway when I ran into him again I was able to put everything into a clear perspective. It was so amazing to me when I discovered that just being within a few feet away from him I found it harder to breath, my heart started to beat faster, and I could not stop smiling because just looking at him made me feel so good. He had the same expression on his face. Later on in retrospect I was shocked. I did not expect to react like that.
During our relationship, before my issues came out, he was very into me and I was so confident in the relationship. I had him and I knew it. This did not make me want him anyless I was so happy about it. I have fantasies now of somehow me and him finding away to be together. I picture it in my head as true. The intense feeling of happiness and love that washes over me tells me that if he were mine it would not make me want him any less. I am very confident about this and I have replayed a lot of these possibilites in my head.
With that said....even though I want so badly for all of this to be some psychological issue from my childhood, or somehow Im blinded by my feelings or my need for him, Im just not so sure thats it. BUT Ive been taking it all into consideration and since I'm getting such great feedback of other people in this situation it has left a glimmer of hope that I (HOPEFULLY) could be wrong and I have better things to come. I am more open to this then I have ever been. Thats progress!!
Chemistry is a feeling and can be compared without bringing the person in the middle of it. Chemistry is butterflies, excitement, love, connection, attraction Chemistry has different degrees. So when I talk about comparing I dont compare the individuals. If I meet someone that is lets say the opposite of this person but they bring out all those feelings I mention above and the intensity is as strong as this one guy then ILL TAKE IT! That would be perfect! That is what Im hoping will happen. Im doubtful only because like I said it feels like a 10 and there is no 11. I want to be wrong.
You mentioned having more then one "ones". This is just my opnion but I feel pretty sure that if you sat down and thought about it you will discover that the intensity of the attraction and chemistry was maybe slightly more strong with one than the other....
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