[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by bsitto

Thank you for taking the time to give me the reality check that I am sensing through your words...BSITTO HE IS UNAVAILABLE WHY ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT AN UNAVAILABLE GUY??? That pretty much covers it right? I understand what you're saying especially if I continue to think this way then it's exactly what I'm going to end up getting in life - second best.

You probably already knew that.

Unless I can somehow believe that this guy wasn't my one and only then I have a better chance of getting what I want. God its so hard. I wish I knew how. If I feel this way inside then its too hard to convince myself otherwise.

Maybe there is more than one "one". The way you feel inside is being reinforced with your thinking he is the one. Maybe he is the one but what to look at is what does "the one" mean? I would think "the one" also means that you could be with him. That "the one" that you can't be with is not the one. I know too logical.

I understand what your saying its the same thing I've been hearing for a while and thats move on and be open to the idea that I will find better.

I guess the next step is HOW??? How do conquer such an impossible sounding task.

Start with listening to how much you reinforce that belief that there is only one "one".

I know I keep mentioning chemistry and you said you can have chemistry with more than one person which I agree with but I guess I really need reassurance that if I meet someone else the chemistry will be as strong if not stronger. Im not sitting around waiting for this person. Im open to getting excited for someone new. I just wish somehow someone can just promise me or gaurantee me that on a chemistry scale that this guy was a 9 and I will meet a 10. Because the way I see it now he's a 10 and there is no such thing as 11.

I don't think you need reassurance that someone new will match the chemistry you feel for this unavailable guy. What you need is to not think in terms of comparing someone new to someone you can't even be with. Someone new will have a whole different chemistry feel. comparing is also part of reinforcing that he is the one and that there's no such thing as more than one "one". So don't compare. Keep in mind some of the "chemistry" could be just because you can't be with him. That's some psycological effect of not being able to have something you think you want. The excitement of thinking how it could be - is really fantasy induldging behaviour.

I was trying to understand the psychological description of how this guy is connected to my deep rooted emotions. I think I understood what you meant for the most part and that he is basically tied not to my heart but to old, unresolved pain. Then what I did was create it into this undying love...am I on track?

I think there is something to that. This guy or the idea of being with him is stimulating learned behaviour. "I can't live without him/her" - is something people say when the love becomes attached to something inside you that is primal. It's not actually a good attachment, I think. It comes from or is similar to feelings of fears of dying if you were abanded. Like when a infant is left alone and freaks out, there's that panic that the mother is gone and there's a life threatening feeling - that is real since if the mother or someone else never came back the infant is too dependant to survive. So what kind of love is it that brings up old seperation anxeity? Os is that something that shows up anyway, if you are prone to that or haven't been through it in some way?

I'll tell you the part I have the hardest time with and thats the intense emotion I get just thinking about him. And remembering the intensity of the connection.

Can you decompose that intense emotion by sourcing the feelings. It's not just one feeling type, right? How much of those feelings are actually generated by the situation? That there are feelings just because of him being unavailable. Especially the intensity is due to the unavailable-ness. You have longing and yurning in high gear, maybe.

It is so hard to believe that I can feel that strength with someone else. I've met a lot of people and so far it's never come close.

I would guess it's hard to believe something while focusing that this one guy is the one. It's like when one is in love with someone - no one else around will be ineresting to you nor will there be space to attract another "one". Then that becomes another "but how?" - doesn't it? "How can I let him go so I can be open for something new?" I wonder though, if someone new came a long that "matched" the unavaiable guy - would that fix this? Probably not, you probably would compare too much to let someone new have a chance. And noone is going to be able to match because of the 2 years of time. So don't compare that. Realize that "the time of knowing him" is not fair to use in comparing to someone you just met. I don't know really. How? It seems like you are thinking "If only I find someone that will match or surpass the chemistry I see with this one guy, then and only then will I be able to let go of the feelings of the unavaliable guy". But then to be free enough to find someone new might require letting go of the unavaliable guy.

btw, I have had more than one "one" in my life.