bsitto, I would like to offer some insight into this that I don't think has been covered yet.....about the intensity of the connection....
The following bits from your posts have led me to want to reply (sorry for the long quotes, but there is useful info there!):
'A long time ago I met someone who changed my life and due to a miserable and self-esteem-crushing childhood this person never got to love the real me.' |
'I dont want to sound like one of those people that just needs to "get over it" the reason why I can't is because the one reason that I was able to get through my childhood was my daydreams of spending my life with the love of my life.'
'Everyone has a dream and everyone has a life goal. Mine just so happens to be a fantasy of marrying the man that makes my heart skip a beat even when Im 60, and with that man I build the most loving caring home imaginable with my children. Some people fantasize about big careers or a vacation home I dream of making chocolate chip cookies with my babies while Im on the phone with my husband whos going to be running late for dinner. Yes my silly dream is a family. This is the only thing on this earth that can make me the happiest I can ever feel. So how am I supposed face the fact that what I want won't be fully complete??? I already know that the connection I have with this person can never be matched (and no I dont mean I wont find someone like him, thats not it at all) I just dont believe I can find that strong of a CONNECTION again. I don't see myself getting married to someone unless I feel for them at that level so that single-handedly crushes my dream. Until now I haven't been able to find anyone who can give me a strong enough arguement to prove that otherwise'
'He is my heart and my "feelings" are screaming for him. But I know calling him is wrong. It makes it worse to know that he feels just as happy to hear from me. PLEASE HELP THIS HAS BEEN MY TORTURE FOR ALOST 5 YEARS'
This seems to match similar experiences I've had in the past....the connection to another's heart....the pull
of it..the intensity
...its like you can't bare to be appart because they are your heart
... it can be even hard to breath...and the unbarable pain that you get when you are seperate
...which only increases knowing you'll be appart
How am I doing? Did I nail it?
This has happened to me on a few occasions..and it was crippling....but from the otherside I know what it is and what lesson it taught me
For me it was a transatlantic thing...I met someone online about 5 years ago.....who I had this connection with....the end result was the same pain/tug of the heart
So what is it? Well for you I've highlighted the clues in what you wrote....
I hope you don't mind me applying it specifically to you (and I am trying not to assume to much)
The miserable self esteem crushing childhood (deep unresolved feeling of being unloved)....your counter...and your sheild to this is your dream of being loved....this is no bad thing...it was your survival mechanism to the pain you felt in childhood
So feelings...the deep connection....he came into your life and offered unconditional love....it filled the hole your unresolved pain and mask of 'only the love of another'....
The connection to the buried part of you was established....and now he is unatainable it pulls to the surface the old pain...the mask fights to protect you..and the end feeling is two fold.....you cannot let go
as it balanced the 'unloved'..and so without it that feeling flows to the surface....the mask job is to protect you from this feeling..so it only lets through the overwhelmind desire to not have the 'unloved'...and with it it plays the masks message 'through my childhood was my daydreams of spending my life with the love of my life' ....and the sence the feeling is leaving...hence the dream is leaving....hence it must be faught for!
All those years of focusing on the dream...all that eneregy gets pured into that connection..and the sence of unctrolled pulling....did you realise its all your energy?? and that you created it??
Before judgements kick in..or other defences...this isn't a bad thing...its not wrong...its not that there is no love there...and yes it is scary (pealing back the layers is!)
He was the hook for your heart...more specifically your unresolved feelings from childhood...
Ok..enough of the psychological view...how to help!
Realise its you..and its ok...and its what you needed to survive....accept any love there...but the 'tug' is not going to help either of you
I was learning about energy (or chi) at the same time this happened to me..so I tried something....the tug was from my heart...and I recognised it as an energy link (you really are connected!)...but if that is too big a step..you can't think of it purely psychologically if you want.
In the end...you've seen where and what the connection is ankered too...for me I sat quietly and let the feeling go...I literally imagined a rope around my heart...that I was holding onto...and I let go....I cried my heart out and the weight was gone..the tug....it needed a bit more work...and the understanding came later....
He is there to help you learn and grow through learning what the connection is..and how to let go...not of the dream....that a fantastic dream!!!! just what its been masking...let go the feeling....know you are loved and can feel love...and that its your choice to let go the pull of the heart...let go of your old pain...and let yourself heal
Another meditation I used in relation to unresolved pain was to imagine myself now, hugging myself as a child....its rather intense...
Well....I hope my approach wasn't too harsh..or the post to long...and that you find release...and then the man of your dreams!! (preferably in that order)