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wolfgang · 12-19-2007, 06:50 PM

There have been users of this forum saying it's possible to fall in love and not suffer it it falls apart. That attachment to an outcome being a certain way is what sets up the heartache, if things fall apart. There was also the idea that there is a fear approach to romantic love that makes people less able to express their love feelings. That it is better to just let the feelings out and ditch the fear of how the relationship will go. That ditching the fear is done with acceptance and freedom of the other person.

I was thinking about these ideas and hearing words like commitment and expectations and trust. It seems that if you have expectations and those expectations fall apart - you get hurt. I think the expectations in a courting phase do generate fear because it's still unknown how the relationship will pan out. But one might start projecting and wishing for the best to happen. The fear is there to remind us to not set ourselves up with expectations that are ahead of the relationship that is just starting. Maybe that's it. If there is a fear, that's a signal that you are getting ahead of the real state of the relationship. What do you think?

Then once there is a commitment there are expectations. These expectations are things like "I expect us to be exclusive sexually". Or "I expect you to call if you don't come home for dinner". Sometimes these contracts or expectations are verbally made. Or commitments can be non-verbal contracts that get set up becuase the couple has done the same thing and there's an expectation that same thing will happen again, as creatures of habit. So these expectations are fine since they are realistic. Now if one side gives up or wants something else - these expectations get ditched and the other side will have to grieve. Heartache is there. How is it to be avoided?

Then there's a trust level. When trusting the other to keep the expectations that do exist then there's not worries, not fear. However, if the trust is low, then worries abound because you can never be sure what expectations might be pulled out from under you.

Commitment is kind of like trust of the couple. Expectations are habits or agreements that come with commitments.

12-19-2007, 06:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
wolfgang Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 4,566	romantic love and attachment There have been users of this forum saying it's possible to fall in love and not suffer it it falls apart. That attachment to an outcome being a certain way is what sets up the heartache, if things fall apart. There was also the idea that there is a fear approach to romantic love that makes people less able to express their love feelings. That it is better to just let the feelings out and ditch the fear of how the relationship will go. That ditching the fear is done with acceptance and freedom of the other person. I was thinking about these ideas and hearing words like commitment and expectations and trust. It seems that if you have expectations and those expectations fall apart - you get hurt. I think the expectations in a courting phase do generate fear because it's still unknown how the relationship will pan out. But one might start projecting and wishing for the best to happen. The fear is there to remind us to not set ourselves up with expectations that are ahead of the relationship that is just starting. Maybe that's it. If there is a fear, that's a signal that you are getting ahead of the real state of the relationship. What do you think? Then once there is a commitment there are expectations. These expectations are things like "I expect us to be exclusive sexually". Or "I expect you to call if you don't come home for dinner". Sometimes these contracts or expectations are verbally made. Or commitments can be non-verbal contracts that get set up becuase the couple has done the same thing and there's an expectation that same thing will happen again, as creatures of habit. So these expectations are fine since they are realistic. Now if one side gives up or wants something else - these expectations get ditched and the other side will have to grieve. Heartache is there. How is it to be avoided? Then there's a trust level. When trusting the other to keep the expectations that do exist then there's not worries, not fear. However, if the trust is low, then worries abound because you can never be sure what expectations might be pulled out from under you. Commitment is kind of like trust of the couple. Expectations are habits or agreements that come with commitments.