I think the energy is wrong. I can see that you're excited, and truthful, but I think you will scare her. Think of it this way: you have had months to ruminate on your excitement and passion, whereas she will experience it all at once when she reads this, and probably reject it because she is overwhelmed.
You can convey these feelings in a more natural way, and I hope you choose to do, because I think she's a good influence on you, and I don't want that to change for you.
Good luck.
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