[Renoa]

Hi everybody,

It's my first post here and I don't know if I'm posting in the
proper place, but after I read Steve's last post I felt like
registering and posting my current troubles right away. I'll explain
you all my situation.

I'll be going abroad to study for 2 years or more (depending on my
performance), the topic I want and to the country I want. But now I
have a 4 month fellowship in my home country. I consider I'm wasting
my time because:

1.- I don't care about the topic I'm researching under this
fellowship. It's unrelated to my main topic and I don't see how it
could teach me something...maybe I'm wrong, but it looks like
running monothonic computations all day.

2.- I'm not, and I won't be, contributing to the research group I'm
in, because I don't have the specific preparation that would be
necessary for that. My supervisors also recognize this fact and they
have told me so. I agree. So the task that they have given to me is:
re-check previous calculations done by them.

3.- In the country I'll be researching and living in, a different
language is spoken. I really need to study the language. Badly.
Also, the standards are really high, so I better read more papers in
my field or they'll kick my ***.

4.- I have to spend all the fellowship money in housing, so no $
gain either.

At first I thought I could study the language and also my own topic,
while doing this fellowship. The free time I have is either the
weekend or the time in the train or bus, quite a lot of time! but I
didn't have in mind the lack of sleep and how hard is to concentrate
in public places (at least for me and now). I tried to see it as a
training, but I'm starting to worry seriously about not being able
to learn enough before departure.

However, I feel uncapable of say 'I quit' to them. The reason is
that I was supposed to start the fellowship 3 months ago, but for
some unexpected events I couldn't. So I went to them and told them
that I wanted to cancel the fellowship, but they were so kind to
wait for me 3 months. At that time I was too troubled with that
'unexpected events' that I didn't think straight and I was just
moved by their kindness. They are indeed nice people. But going back
to the point: the fellowship was meant to be from 9/07 to 12/07 and
it was not possible to change those dates. For that reason, although
I was not there, I received the stipend each month. Now I'm starting
(12/07-3/07) and if I say 'I quit', how could I give the money back?
Burocratically speaking, I can't quit because I have already
finished!.

This situation is bad for both parties. But if they don't think like
me or/and the 'burocratic irregularity' they created (unrequested,
but to make me a favor) causes big trouble to them, they will have a
really bad opinion of me and that's something I want to avoid, since
as a young researcher I'm aware of the importance of reputation,
recommendation letters and comments at workshops.

I don't know if I have explained it clear enough...man, I'm so
troubled...

When I reached this state I thought of having a talk with them and
explain the situation frankly. But when I told my friends about it
they told me I couldn't do that. 'They will think you're the
worst!'-they told me. Their advice was: it's a short time, don't put
any effort in that work, arrive late, go home early and skip work as
much as you can.

Great, so they'll think I'm an incompetent instead of a selfish
cheater/cheeky traitor.

So, where's the win-win situation?, I wonder.