[elsizzle2000]

I am so conflicted here & my heart is cracking wide open. Here's my story.

I met this girl 3 years ago. We started dating casually (mostly just sexual). I was a player at the time but after awhile there was something about her that made me want to date her only. Our first date eye contact was unlike anything I ever experienced. I felt like I knew her on a soul level. Our first kiss was magic, electric. I felt like I was kissing myself. But I never read into it. I never thought it was anything special. In fact a month or so in I pulled her aside & told her that just so she knows, I never see myself with her on a serious level. She said ok, let's just take it day by day.

Then somehow I decided to date her exclusively. A part of me didn't want to but I convinced myself to The next 2.5 years I put her through hell. I was miserable, insecure, angry, etc. I treated her badly. I was verbally abusive, I flirted & contacted other girls for action (early on). I had no life & did not pursue anything for me. I was demanding & overall did not appreciate her. All the while never thinking she was the one for me. All the while hurting her. We broke up a few times but I would say I will change to get her back. Then we get back & the same old me. Well until 5 months ago.

My jealosuy, control & insecurities finally got the best of me & I accused her of some things & went snooping around & violated her space. Nothing was going on but she had had it. She broke up - for good this time. I then finally decided to get my life in shape. Find inner peace, focus on me, etc.

The past 5 months for me has been the greatest. I know now that the love I needed from women I can get through God/ higher self, etc. Lots of therapy, meditation, reading, EFT. For the first time in my life I am happy & see everything so clearly now.

We started hanging out here & there & all of a sudden we were getting along better, having a better connection, etc. All because of me changing myself no doubt. But she still would say there is NO chance in HELL to get back. But I would feel different when we were together. So we would have a great time & then bam, something would freak her out & she would push me away & in a punishment fashion almost. I don't really know if it was because I was displaying old behaviors (I don't think I was) or she couldn't handle me being this different guy. So slowly after past 5 months she has drifted away further & further. More time goes by when we see or contact each other. And when we do, she is more closed off. I have been giving her the space but all the while it has been hard for me. because I know now that I want to be with her. I want to marry her, I want to have a family. Now that I love myself I can see everything in my life so clearly. So now that I truly love her from my soul, she is the farthest away.

I was meditating & praying to god why is this so hard for me to get over her, move on etc. Why does she not escape my every thought? I said god am I just obsessed? what does this all mean? I then received this overwhelming love vibration from god & felt this peace & calm fall over me. then I felt this feeling that this woman is indeed my twin soul & that is why I feel this way. and that the love my human emotions feel is bigger than us. it is meant for something bigger. and to not worry or try to get her back right now. just work on your self & keep the door open for her is all you can do. in had this feeling like the love between us is so strong that it will always be there. i was no longer worried. i felt at ease & it all made sense. amongst it all, i feel like I want to get closer & closer to god. the thought of this woman wants me to get closer to god for some reason. the feeling of love from god I get at times is the same feeling when it hit me she is my twin soul. i feel like that love is god! anyway, i decided to continue working on myself but not give up. i also decided i would share this with her when the time was right.

a week later we got together & i decided to tell her as she seemed open. I told her everything on my heart but I did not want an answer. I was just telling her to share. I said she should continue her journey & do what she needs - true love knows no time or distance. she then paused & proceeded to tell me that she is moving across the country (i thought maybe she is just saying this & not serious) in 6 months. ans then somehow started telling me about these new guys she was dating/ flirting with. she got kind of detailed too. i was shocked but kept my cool. she said it was nothing serious & i suspect she is just testing out her freedom but nonetheless it hurt. I said ok well, do what you have to do & I am not going anywhere.

she dropped me off & i started to panic. i prayed again to calm down & got the same answer. just let it be, don't run away but don't chase her either. just love yourself first & be there for her. give her time to get this out of her system.

then the next day at work my ego/ emotions took over & said god are you sure she is my twin soul?? please giveme an obvious sign. less that an hour later I went on break from work to this grocery store & who do I see - HER!!! I have been working here 2 months & have only gone to this store 1 other time!! To me god had spoken. so i said ok god I accept.

she still needs her space to date & do whatever so I give her that. i thought god is teaching me unconditional love. then i go back & forth. i get confused. i prayed again why god ooh why & again this love peace came over me & the message was her soul is doing this on purpose but as a gift to push me to change & become happy. again i said wow that makes sense.

well so here I am. she contacted me the other night but didn't leave a message. then said it was an accident.

she contacted me again last night over IM & we chatted ciordially. then she went into how she is dating & how she has all these experience she might write about in a blog or something. she then exclaims we are not twin souls. and she says that through dating she knows what she wants am & am not that. to be a strong man who is not so emotional. i said I agree - I was never like that. but i am becoming that man. she doesn't listen - it's like she will not see the new me. she chooses to see old me only. she then proceeds to go into detail again about this one guy who she liked but moved away etc. TMI!! and there is never a chance for us.

then she drops the final bombshell. she is definitely moving in summer. i then began to tell her how I really feel again. about how I would marry her, how even if she moved, we could make it work (I have been considering moving 1.5 hours away from where she wants to go), I would treat her good, etc. she didn't know what to say. so we ended the conversation & planned to meet up next week possibly.

i wake up today & feel horrible. all the info she shared about dating hurts. I feel disrespected. she didn't have to give me all this info. then coupled with the fact that she is moving. I thought maybe I AM crazy. Maybe I should just walk away. Even if we are twin souls, right now she blatantly disregards my feelings. she is dating, going out drinking almost every night..

I just don't know any more. I don't know what to do here. I feel like underneath it all she feels it too but doesn't know (I didn't know for a long time). Bun then I feel she treats me poorly. She treats me like I am the old mean, abusive, selfish guy. Am I feeling like crap because of what she is doing or because I am expecting love from her too much? Is she even really my twin soul? do I give up??

I don't know any more. Someone help!