Sisyphus2, I feel for you, and I want to say that I know how it feels. I know what it's like to have a so called family of people who cause you nothing but pain and misery. I know what it's like to have those who are supposed to be your own flesh and blood slowly drain the life out of you and kill you a bit more inside everyday. I know what it's like to be abused for so long that you feel horrible for wanting a different life, for wanting to be free. I know what it's like to feel like a slave, like a chained dog, to feel stifled and suffocated. I know what it's like to live in fear and frustration and bitter impotent rage.
Listen, Sysiphus2, LEAVE HIM. You cannot change him against his will. You cannot help him if he refuses to be helped.
You have to realise that if you stay with him things will never change.
If you stay your life will never get better.
If you stay all you have to look forward to will be the release of death.
Yes, I know it's hard. I know you'll feel bad for leaving him, but you know what? you should think of any feelings of obligation to him as being a form of Stockholm syndrome, because that's really what it is. He is, in reality, a jail warden who has turned your life into a cage.
Give up on him, Sysiphus. Give up trying. There comes a point when you realize that there really is no point, that they never will be the person you need them to be, that they'll never give you what you need from them. I don't know if you're there yet, but it comes eventually. The point comes when you wake up and see the truth of the situation, when you see the relationship for what it really was, is, and will be if you let it go on.
He can't, Sysiphus. He just can't. He can't be the man and husband you need him to be.
Cut him out of your life now, before it's too late. Leave him and never think about him again.
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I am worried not only about the pain of separation, but whether or not he will even be able to survive. He does not have anywhere else to go. He has pets that would have nowhere to go. I honestly think he will probably be dead within three months, either from effects of homelessness (illness that he can't afford to treat, frostbite from sleeping outside), or from suicide. And in order to make it happen, I would literally have to physically throw him and his things, including his pets, out of the house and then change the locks, and try to ignore it as he's pounding on the door, stuck outside in the snow with nowhere to go. I can't imagine doing this to my best friend. This is why it is not easy to solve this problem. Because I actually care about this person. I actually care about what happens to him, even if we don't stay married.
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I know how you feel, Sysiphus. I felt that way too for a time. I felt like I was committing some horrible crime in leaving. I felt evil.
Sysiphus, it is easy to solve this problem. STOP CARING. Start seeing your feelings towards him for what they really are: a sickness that is slowly strangling the life out of you
Sysiphus, realise that your feelings of guilt are really nothing more than obstacles that need to be overcome if you want to survive, if you want to live.
Because that's really what it comes down to in the end: you have the right to live.
I vacillated like you for a long time too, debating with myself whether I was doing the right thing, and do you know what I realised? that I didn't ****ing care if it was the right thing or not, because I wanted to live. I wanted to live, dammit, I wanted to live, and I didn't care anymore if other people chose to hurt themselves because of it. I didn't care anymore if it was the wrong thing. I didn't care anymore if the heavens opened up and angels came down to tell me that I was violating the sacred moral code of God. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to live.
You have the inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so put what your husband might do if you exercise that right out of your mind: it is none of your concern. It is his life and his decision, and he has the right to do whatever he wants with himself. If he really does end up committing suicide, then that's his choice.
Sysiphus, some people on here have suggested that you should take up some kind of hobby or find some sort of passion to give your life meaning. They obviously do not understand your situation in the slightest. You can't give your life any meaning, because as of right now you have no life. Their suggestion is in the same vein as saying to a soldier who's been hit with machine-gun fire that he should relax and take some deep breaths to calm down. They just don't have a clue.
Sysiphus, it is very clear what you must do: get your husband out of your life now. Do it as soon as possible. Make it your top priority, make it your only priority. Get him out. Do all that you can everyday to achieve this end. You should, to all intents and purposes, view this as being important as getting a cancerous tumor in your brain removed.
And no, this is not being cold and cruel; you are simply doing what must be done, as painlessly as possible, because there really is no point in prolonging the torture.
I know it's hard to do since you haven't done it for so long, but you have to be willful now. You have to do this, so put everything that doesn't pertain to this end out of your mind. Think about nothing else. Don't worry what will happen to him or if it's right or wrong. Just do what you have to do.
You deserve to live, Sysiphus, remember that.