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Originally Posted by Sisyphus2 
So, Honeywith4bees, how did you finally bring yourself to break up with him? And how did you handle the logistics of it? Did he have somewhere else to go as soon as you kicked him out? Did he start to change afterwards? What's he doing now?
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Hey Sisyphus2 ~
It took a long time to finally make the decision to make him leave. We also had been together since we were teenagers and had four children together. As I said before, I spent a lot of time trying to "help" him and he became very angry and resentful towards me because of that.
My oldest son and I were driving past a billboard one afternoon that was an advertisement for a battered woman's help line, and my son said, "Look! Your picture is on that billboard!" I looked up to see a woman holding her head in her hands and crying. At that moment I realized that all four of my sons were learning first hand how to be future fathers/husbands/lovers by watching what was going on in
my home.
When I told him to leave, there was a lot of "rattle-banging" on his part. He pulled every trick in the book to get me to change my mind.
Within months he was moved in with a female friend of mine and she's been taking care of him ever since!!
As far as what's he doing now? Mostly the same thing. He has his periods of doing ok, works a little, starts counseling, quits pot, but it doesn't usually last. I don't think about it much anymore,to be honest, I have my own life to take care of.
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Originally Posted by Sisyphus2 I am worried not only about the pain of separation, but whether or not he will even be able to survive. He does not have anywhere else to go. He has pets that would have nowhere to go. I honestly think he will probably be dead within three months, either from effects of homelessness (illness that he can't afford to treat, frostbite from sleeping outside), or from suicide. And in order to make it happen, I would literally have to physically throw him and his things, including his pets, out of the house and then change the locks, and try to ignore it as he's pounding on the door, stuck outside in the snow with nowhere to go. I can't imagine doing this to my best friend. This is why it is not easy to solve this problem. Because I actually care about this person. I actually care about what happens to him, even if we don't stay married. |
I cared, and still care about my ex husband, he is after all the father of my children and a man I've known for over 20 years now. Caring, loving and taking on the responsibilities of someone else are separate things, however. He's done surprising well for himself, mooching off of other people.
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Originally Posted by Sisyphus2 Someone asked, why is my husband so lazy? I had spent a lot of time psychoanalyzing him, and this is what I've come up with. His stepfather was
None of this is an excuse, of course. Unlike his parents, I love him, and I've sacrificed so much for him. I have no doubt that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. Without me he would have been dead long ago. So you would think that if nothing else, his goal would be to please me by making something of himself, and contributing to the household finances. But that doesn't seem to be the case. |
I used to feel the same way. How could he do this to me? When will he wake up and see that I am the only one that really cares about him? I saw past the man to the little boy he used to be, the one that was wounded by his father and step mother. I thought I could heal him, fix him, change him. I shouldn't have done that. I took away his chance to grow and take control of his own destiny. It's called co-dependence. Melody Beattie writes some good books about it. I should have been paying attention to my own needs and letting him grow up and take care of his own.
I'd be lying if I said it was easy. I broke up our family. I didn't have a job. I didn't have any money. I had loads of debt. I had four children ranging in age from from 1 and a 1/2 to 10 all counting on me and only me.
It was the best thing I could have done and I am so glad I did. Our lives our so much better now, it's like those days were a dream.
I'm still learning a lot from the whole situation too. For instance, I never could understand how when I was doing everything "right", I was holding up my end of the marriage bargain so to speak, then why did I get treated so badly? What was I doing to "deserve" this? Looking deeper, I see that the "I am worthless" feeling had so deeply permeated my being that I attracted to myself a "partner" that would prove to me just how worthless I really thought I was.
You too, Sisyphus2, are worthwhile and deserving. You deserve to be in a loving and mutually beneficial relationship. I can't speak for every one on this board, but I know that that is the general sentiment. Good luck!