I have experienced that lack of self-worth and it affected every area of my life. I put other's expectations before my own to avoid disapproval and criticism. And while I craved other's approval, it never seemed to be enough.
Suggestions such as positive affirmations and focusing on the things you do well are helpful. But for me, even when I started believing that I had worth, I still did not feel or react that way.
I had to begin acting like I counted in order to feel it. Here are the changes I had to make: express my feelings even if my feelings may be uncomfortable for others, instead of telling myself that it's not that big of a deal, I can handle it, I don't have the right to upset someone else, etc. Make certain they are your feelings and not your opinions in disguise.
Be responsible for identifying and meeting your needs in a life affirming way. I had to stop denying that I had needs (it's not weak to have needs, it's human) and then I had to make my needs a priority. If I discount my needs, I am discounting myself.
Establish and maintain personal boundaries. This was a bit of a challenge since I discovered that I often had been unaware when I was being emotionally abused. In addition, in my interactions with others, I struggled trying to determine if I was taking care of myself or being self centered. I immediately felt guilty if anyone objected to my decision.
So the way I decided what I should do was this: I knew I loved my daughter, so I would imagine that she was the one in the particular situation. Then, I thought about what I would advise her to do. And then that's the course of action I followed for myself. I still felt guilty for a time, but at least I knew better so I didn't react to it.
Later I realized that it really wasn't guilt that I was feeling, but fear; fear of disapproval, fear of being hurt if I disappointed someone, etc (old tapes).
By acting like I counted I began to feel like I counted. I had been discounting myself by denying my feeling, needs and desires. No amount of thinking positive thoughts about myself could override the effects of my behavior.
I had to practice self awareness since I had spent a lifetime ignoring my feelings and needs, I had to focus on listening for them again.
These actions have truly made a huge difference in my sense of self worth and self awareness. But I have to be vigilant because it is easy for me to slip back into old patterns. When I begin to feel unimportant, or discounted by others, I know I have been neglecting taking responsibility for my feelings, needs and desires.
Hope this helps you as much as it has me.
Lauren
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