I was with someone for 3 years who would not work, or manage to get fired within a few days of starting a job. We lived with his parents as we couldn't afford anywhere else. Who stole money from me and then shouted abuse at me for being 'materialistic', who could only think about where the next lot of dope was coming from and who frequently threatened to kill me when high and I believed him capable of it.
I often thought of leaving, but I had no money and loads of debts and couldn't afford the deposit on the smallest accommodation. All my friends had disappeared so I had no-one to help me.
Eventually something inside me just flipped. I realised I would rather be dead than live like this anymore so if I left him and he killed me it couldn't be any worse! (OK completely twisted thinking - but desperation warps your mind). I left, he threatened suicide several times but didn't go through with it. He even found a job and held it down briefly in an attempt to win me back and kept asking for 'one last chance'. He said he didn't realise the last time I said he was on a last chance that I really meant it. I realised then that he would always push people to the limit and then some more. I was so pleased to be free.
I was lucky in that someone I worked with had a spare room and I paid a weekly rent and they didn't want a deposit upfront, gradually I got myself esteem back. It took a long while to stop being angry at myself for allowing it to happen, but I got there evenutally. I threw myself into my work and eventually got promoted. I started to clear the debts and my finances started to recover. I started going out and enjoying myself and although not the least bit interested in meeting someone new, I eventually met and married a wonderful person who I have been with now for 5 years. He has never hit me or threatened me, he has never had to be put on a 'last chance' because he treats me with respect. I'm not saying it is all plain sailing. It took a lot of time to extract myself from the situation. He kept turning up unnanaounced with gifts and tears trying to win me back. I had phonecalls from his mother crying asking why I was breaking her son's heart and I torn her family apart. Even a few years later large bills kept turning up that were unpaid, even though I had given him the money when we were together to pay them and I had balliffs round threatening to take my possessions on more than one occassion. Each incident reminded me of why I had left and why I was pleased to be single and making my own way in the world.
I bumped into him recently and he is still living at home and still on government benefits. He hasn't worked in several years. He used to say he 'needed' me and only I could make him happy. Like you, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but he still treated me like crap. I can't tell you how to do it, but the day I decided to stop being responsible for him was the day I got my life back.
I wish you courage and strength because they will help you decide what to do and carry it through. It didn't get better straight away, in fact immediately after it got worse. But knowing I wouldn't tollerate it anymore got me through and that attitude can help you too.
I wish you all the best.
|