F&F, the way I see it, you have two problems here: you want to make it a good go with a woman who:
a) is being entirely run by her old pain
b) isn't willing to take responsibility for how that effects you.
Personally, I don't believe that a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship is possible when one or both partners refuses to take responsibility. That's just a bunch of old unconscious pain bumping up against other old unconscious pain.
But listen: You are also not taking responsibility. You are enabling her old pain by not standing up for your own well-being in the face of it. In effect, you are actually telling her that her old pain is more important than your well-being.
I recommend you immediately stop doing that! Make your well-being (and hers, if you like) your top priority. Be responsible for that well-being. That means determining your boundaries and sharing them with her. It means letting her know what YOU require in order to establish well-being in the relationship. You don't want to feel nauseated, stressed-out, and turned off in your love relationship, do you? No! You want to feel free, save, and joyful, right? Ask her that question -- does she want a relationship that's sickening, or envitalizing? Tell her what steps you are willing to take, and what would like HER to take in generating those qualities, and the consequences of her not doing so. Ask her for her ideas on what SHE thinks she could do to generate how you both want your relationship to go.
A LMBR is a partnership, and is generated together. Right now, you are both generating pain and stress and illness together. What would you both like to generate instead, that would inspire you both? Talk to her!
Lots of love,
Angela  |