[kaizen]

Hi everybody,

I’m writing this post because I’ve come to a point where I really don’t know what to do anymore. In the last few weeks I had to admit to myself that my life is not even close to where I wanted it to be. Since I graduated high school (and even while still in school) I’ve felt no motivation to do anything at all. I’m in my third semester in college now (studying English and Musicology) and I just drag myself through the days. I have to force myself out of bed in the mornings, I don’t have any appetite to eat a good breakfast, I pay no attention at all to the lectures and when I come home in the evening the only thing I do is surfing the net. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of not being able to sleep at nights, and therefore being tired and unconcentrated during the days. What bothers me the most is that I actually KNOW what to do. Get my sleeping patterns in order, eat healthy, exercise regularly etc.. but my motivation is at a level where I don’t even WANT to do this anymore. At the moment the only thing I want to do is lock myself away in my room and sleep most of the time. Even going out partying does nothing for me. I really don`t care about anything or anyone anymore. The weird thing is that I have also had times (which lasted for about a few weeks) where I was highly motivated. I went to the gym three times a week, meditated, went running in the forest and felt great. But I`ve never been able to hold this motivation for a longer period of time and my ups were ALWAYS followed by downs that were even deeper then before. I just now accepted the fact that I might be suffering from depression since I really don’t get out of this rut on my own. I need several hours at night to fall asleep (even if I got up early and exercised the same day) and it`s been like this since YEARS. I`m going to see a doctor next Tuesday and see what he has to say. It just hurts to see how much time I already wasted because of this and I`m just frustrated and angry with myself. Well I guess there isn`t really anything you guys can do right now but I just needed to write this down. Of course any advice from someone who was in a similar situation and overcame it is highly appreciated and I thank you in advance for any answer.

Take Care,
Philipp