I'm trying not to go into "post-teenage angst mode" here, but I'm not making any promises.
I've been having these strange moments that I feel like I've woken up... but not quite. I know it makes about as much sense as a purple banana in a bunnysuit, but what I feel I don't know how to describe with words. I don't think it's possible anyway.
When that happens, almost nothing matters. Not college, not my health, not money, nothing. Some maniak could threaten to run me over with a bus and my plea would probably be "please don't do this to my parents". Because with "almost" I mean that love still matters. But really, that's about it. But it's a positive feeling though, very peacefull. I don't feel depressed, suicidal or detached.
These 'episodes' last very short, five minutes tops. But they feel much longer. After they are over, I'm empty and feel what could best be described as homesick.
I'm actually a bit worried about this. I feel like my soul is sleeping and trying to wake up when it's not supposed to. I don't want
to remember what existence was like before I was born. I'm very happy now, but if I knew what 'real' happiness was like, I might be tempted into doing something stupid or (most likely) 'doing my time' and never know happiness again.
Do we only learn the things we are able to handle or can 'the universe' overestimate us? Should I be worried? What's going on?
I hope no one is thinking I'm making this up. I'm not and this has been bothering me for years. I've never told anyone because I don't want to worry them. I'm afraid they'll think I'll bail out before my time is up and I would never EVER do that to them. Even if I do end up miserable, I only have about 60-70 years left to go. That's about one cosmic blink or so.