 On fear
Hi all, I started a journal today and this short piece on fear just sort of splurged out on the first page. I'm posting it here (pretty much unedited)because - well, you'll see why if you read it.
In this book I begin the journey towards my new self. The me who will leave my current workplace for the last time in May next year with a clear idea of my goals and the means I will use to achieve them. In here I must be ruthlessly honest with myself. There is a part of me that is keeping me from really setting out what I want and going after it.
I think that part of me is largely motivated by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being condemned as a failure. In fact, an underlying fear of interacting with, I was going to say other people but, actually, strangers. Because, I think, I'm afraid of being thought foolish by them. That's a stupid fear, but it's what's right at the core of who I am.
I drink because it takes away the fear and makes me forget I have to face up to it someday if I want to live my life fully. I avoid social interactions, even 'phone calls, because I don't want to face that fear. Because I'm not great at small talk and afraid of appearing awkward.
I didn't really plan to write this, but it is definitely true. I know intellectually that I must overcome this fear but I don't yet feel it in my heart. For me now this is the most important thing I must do.
Overcome the fear.  |